The Most Wonderful Time...

I haven't written any updates for a while because there hasn't been much to report. I've been doing well, although there have been some minor issues at times. I'm still not able to sleep without trazodone, (tried it one night and gave up at 1:00 AM after being wide awake the whole time.) but that is easily remedied by continuing to take it every night.

We had a great Christmas, although I would have preferred a bit more sleep. I woke up at 6AM (right when the trazodone wore off) and was unable to fall back asleep. That actually turned out to be a good thing, as I was able to set up photography & video equipment, set the table and dig out the presents so everything was ready to go. Plus I had some much coveted alone time with some French press coffee and Google Reader. The kids were still asleep at 8:45 AM, so I took my guitar into their room and loudly sang 'Joy to the World' until they got up. We had Belgian waffles & sausage for breakfast along with some more coffee.

The kids got all sorts of space-taking items, so it was fortuitous that we spent Christmas Eve cleaning their bedroom & re-discovering the floor. This is the only year in the last 15 or so that I haven't led Christmas Eve services at church, and it was an amazing difference. Instead of being strung out and not wanting to be around people on Christmas, I was able to really enjoy the day and even cleaned the gift aftermath & vacuumed! Usually I'm in a sort of zombie state on Christmas.

By early evening I was starting to slow down a bit, and I was craving good coffee again, so I had another cup of French press brew. (You see where this is going, right?) Unfortunately between the time I decided to have some and the time I actually got around to making it, another hour had elapsed, filled with "Dad, can you open this?" "Dad, this doesn't work!" "Dad...", etc. I had my coffee around 5PM, which is a bad idea on any day, but it was Christmas and my mom wasn't there to tell me no.

By the time we got the kids into bed, Leigha wasn't feeling well and went to bed as well. (Did I mention she's pregnant? Well she is, and I did it on purpose.) I was anxious to start going through the pictures from the day, and got started looking through them. My stomach had not been feeling very well, but I thought it was too much Christmas cookies and that sort of thing. As I started processing images, my stomach suddenly took a turn for the worse and for a moment I thought I might throw up. Then I realized that this was a familiar (albeit unwelcome) feeling and that I was having a panic attack. It was severe enough that my first thought was to run and get some Xanax, but then I remembered to exercise & try to make it pass. I did some aerobic exercise until I became dangerously dizzy, then laid down and did breathing exercises to calm down. It did help, but not enough.

I told my wife I was having a panic attack and she asked "Why?". I hadn't thought about the reason, but as soon as she asked I realized that it was almost certainly from overdoing caffeinated coffee. I do have caffeinated coffee once in a while and do fine, but three sessions of strong coffee was really stupid. It's hard to adjust to the fact that I'm not like I used to be. In the past I could consume a lot of caffeine and be okay, but now my body can only handle small amounts. I realize that this is in fact better for me, but it's still difficult to get used to. I ended up taking half a Xanax later on because I wasn't able to calm down enough. Anyhow, I was able to finish processing most of the Christmas pictures and then slept like a rock.

Lesson learned.

Fail Part I

In the last year or so I've been using WIN or FAIL to pass judgment on situations, achievements, etc. It has become sort of a web meme to mark reviews of bad products with 'FAIL' or paste it over photos on a story of some business or personal public screw-up.

With our country so wrapped up in relativism and some interests pushing the concept of 'best effort = good enough' in public schools, the fail blog is a breath of fresh air to me. I find it amusing to categorize things around me into win or fail, but usually keep my thoughts to myself for obvious reasons. So as not to be hypocritical, I also apply these judgments to myself as well. For a good lesson in what to avoid in life, check out the Fail Blog - there's no end to the amusement :)

In an effort to bring you the sort of hard-hitting and honest coverage you've come to expect from my writings, I submit to you some of my favorite videos from the fail blog below.
(FYI - I've just gone through 39 pages of the blog and some of the posts are not G rated. They do offer a G rating link though.)

Some Sort Of Update

I guess I should post something since the last post wasn't very hopeful. I've been doing fairly well since the whole falling-on-my-neck episode. I still have ups & downs but overall things have been good. I'm keeping busy with photography and being the worlds greatest husband & father. Other than that, not too much is going on. (I suppose photography should have been second in the list; now you're on to me!)

The above shot is of my step-brother Eric's car. We spent a few hours shooting in Bellevue & Seattle on Sunday. This one was taken at Alki Point, overlooking Seattle across the water. Unfortunately it was so foggy that we couldn't see anything at all except the people smooching in the next car over, so I went with a dark look to match the fog.

(Blogger lops off half the image for some reason and I can't bring myself to care enough to fiddle with it - click to see the whole thing)

I've fallen and I can't get up!

The week after my last post was great - I felt completely normal and was able to be a lot more active. Unfortunately I started having trouble again, possibly because of all the activity.

Yesterday (Thursday, Nov 13) was my crowning achievement so far. I woke up with symptoms of a panic attack already beginning, and tried to get rid of them by doing exercise and breathing techniques. (As a reminder, my main symptoms are nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, and tightness in my chest) On top of that I was extremely tired (after just waking up), so I laid back down to hopefully sleep it off. Then I had liquid poo four times in a row, which kind of disrupted that plan. I would lay down in bed and have to get right back up again. I took some Imodium to stop the pattern when a fifth trip to the bathroom seemed imminent and laid back down.

My feelings of nausea & dizziness were continuing to get worse so I finally decided to go take a Xanax. For reasons of laziness I have never moved the bottle from its first resting place by my car keys, which is downstairs. I went down to get the pill, tried to cut one in half to see if that was enough, but cut it unevenly because I was getting worse quickly & couldn't focus. I swallowed it and headed back upstairs.

On the way up, I started having a hot flash and increased dizziness and thought I was about to vomit. I knew we had a large bowl in the kids room from when one of them was sick last week but my feelings were so strong I had to head straight for the bathroom. As I stood there facing the toilet I had just befouled with four bouts of the runs, the head & dizziness became really overwhelming.

I was in this black void of nothingness and heard Leigha shouting my name. I opened my eyes to find that I was on my back with my neck resting uncomfortably against the metal bar of a magazine rack, and she was trying to get the door open, which was blocked by my body. It took me a moment to figure out that I had passed out. Coming back from that is scary, because you're definitely not sleeping - you're nowhere. My ears had this loud whirring sound in them like machinery and I began to grow more aware of my surroundings. I couldn't move at first, but after a while I scooted sideways to get my neck off that bar and let Leigha open the door. It was a very emotional experience, because Leigha thought I was dead for a few moments. I was out for about 90 seconds and started out snoring, but then she said I made gurgling sounds and stopped breathing. That was probably about the time I woke up to her shouting at me. I feel terrible for her to have to go through that. We're too young for these types of scares!

I spent the entire rest of the day yesterday in bed, mostly sleeping. I tried doing some reading online & did a bit of flickring but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes focused on the screen. I got up for about an hour at 7 pm and then went to bed for the night. I woke up at 8:00 this morning and still feel like sleeping. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I'm seeing the doctor today at noon. I had two pieces of toast and a small bit of barbecue pork yesterday, and today I'm still not feeling hungry. I had a piece of toast this morning, but wished I hadn't. Hopefully I don't actually have the flu in addition to everything else. My stomach is better today than yesterday, but still not normal. My mom brought me some Gatorade last night, so I've been keeping my fluids at least. The nurse from the doctors office said that one possible cause of fainting could be not getting enough fluids after my bathroom escapades.

My neck hurts very badly today, but I think it is all bruising and nothing more serious. I have full range of motion, and no more grinding & popping than I did before I fell. Fortunately I seem to have landed to the left of my vertebrae and not right on them. At least I didn't fall forward; That toilet has seen better times :) I have some bruising on my right arm, probably from hitting the door knob, and I have a painful swollen area on the side of my tongue, probably from biting as I fell, but other than that no problems that I can detect. Hopefully my neck will just be bruised and in that case I think I'm getting off a lot easier than I could have from this thing.

At the doctor we're going to check for low blood pressure, which can be caused by Celexa and see if they've got any other ideas. Hopefully we don't have any more of this type of excitement in the future. One thing I've learned is that my physical response when I'm about to throw up or about to faint are the same. I'll have to make the call whether to get over the toilet or lay on my back with my feet up.


**Update** (2pm same day)
I saw my doctor and he didn't seem too concerned about me passing out or that I had behavior similar to a seizure. (That's common with a vasovagal response I guess.) I do have low blood pressure so they took some blood to see if there is anything else we should be looking at. He doubts that the low blood pressure is from the Celexa. The only bad thing left is that I still just want to sleep all day, which I did yesterday. I finally broke my toast only fast with some BBQ pork ribs, so at least my stomach is feeling better :)

Unfortunately my neck is still growing more sore. It hurts from the base of my skull to the top of my shoulder blade. I had the doctor check that out and it seems like it's just bruising, so I'll take this pain over what could have happened any day.

Taking It Easy

Not much to report in the last couple weeks. I've toned down activity since the last time I posted, which has helped me to be pretty stable. I just upped my medication as well since I should be feeling normal by now and I'm not. I do fine going out to a store or restaurant. It no longer occurs to me that I might not do well - it's just normal again. Doing things like music lessons, where it's responsibility on me seems to bother me for some reason, but it's nothing I can't deal with.

That last setback I had (lasting about 10 days) was pretty discouraging at first, but I read something that helped a lot. I'll type the end of the chapter here because it could apply to other situations as well. The book is here.

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Ups And Downs

The road to recovery is beset with many temporary failures. It is like traveling across the foothills toward the mountains. You travel downhill so often that it is difficult to realize that, in spite of this, you are still climbing. This up and down aspect of recovery is exhausting and frustrating. I remember one young man saying, "I'm tired of being up on minute and down the next. I'd almost rather stay down all the time and be done with it!"

It is true that just when you think you have turned the corner and are feeling well, you can have one of your worst setbacks. You can waste much energy trying to discovery why this happens. A patient will say, "I had a wonderful week last week, Doctor, the best yet, and then on Saturday and Sunday I felt terrible, as bad as ever. How is this possible?"

Do Not Measure Progress Day by Day

It may have been some trivial event that drew him back, but is it so important to find out? Strangely enough, it always seems so to the sufferer. Actually, it is important only to realize that tomorrow is another day and could be the best yet, however upsetting yesterday or today may have been. Do not measure your progress day by day. Looking forward hopefully with confidence is tremendous help. It draws you past the yesterdays, past today, past the tomorrows until you find recovery.

The slipping-back process is easy to understand. The past holds so many fearful memories for the person who has had a nervous illness that even a slight setback will find a host of them ready to engulf him. It takes time to dull these memories; but after he has pulled himself out of a few such reverses he despairs less readily, and confidence grows from each experience. When you have achieved confidence by your own effort, nothing can take it away again. No future defeat can quite destroy it. It may seem in moments of despair that it has gone, but the memory of past successes, however small, gives you the courage to try again, and so defeat is defeated.

So, recognize that:

• Confidence is born by going on despite defeat.
• In spite of ups and downs on the road to recovery, the main direction is upward.
• Confidence learned from your own experience will never leave you completely.

Fire Escape Plan

I had to share this - Isabelle's homework assignment cracked me up. My favorite is the person next to the fire saying "oh no".

(click the picture to go to the photo page - there is a link to view it large)

Man Vs. Computer

I'm trying out a video editing program for the first time in years, and it could have gone better. I spent a good portion of the day figuring out how to make a slideshow behave how I want it to. When I went to burn it, the computer blue-screened and re-booted. This had also happened the other day when I burned an mp3 disc using iTunes, so I suspected something other than the program.

I had just rebuilt the system from scratch a few days ago, but I did install Windows XP service pack 3 against my better judgment. It made setup faster, but I've had several blue screens of death with the exact same hardware & software that has been running great for over a year. Anyhow, I rebooted and tried again, with the same result.

One more reboot, and I uninstalled a drive emulation tool to see if that helped. I went to open my video project and it was corrupted! Fortunately most of the day was spent figuring out how to use the program, not actually making the show so I was able to reconstruct the video in about an hour. Burned with a different drive and it worked.

So here it is in all of it's low quality YouTube goodness. This is a slideshow of my Grandmother's memorial and burial service. Just still photos, but I've got a hankering for a DV cam now. Expanding expensive hobbies is always good, right?

Badness

I haven't been doing so well for nine days now. I haven't had a full attack, but I've had to fight a few off. Almost every day I have to do breathing exercises to keep nausea away. One night lying in bed I got a sudden stab of adrenaline in my chest like I used to get in the first few weeks of all this. Fortunately I was able to keep that from going further.

This could be good in a way because I've begun to gain back that weight I lost at the beginning of this, and now my appetite is down again. I suppose I could exercise self discipline with eating, but that's downright un-American!

This part written for no reason whatsoever:
I took Isabelle to Starbucks this morning for a date. Since I can't do caffeine I've been getting decaf drinks, but I wanted to try their new signature hot chocolate. It is so rich that it could be a meal. I had to throw half of it away and Isabelle thought it was repulsive. (To be fair, she's not a big hot chocolate fan) I thought it was good, but at 420 calories for a 12 ounce drink, that's about a quarter of what you should consume in a day. Something to keep in mind. Just in case that wasn't enough, I also had the 500 calorie sausage & egg piadini. Fortunately we only go to Starbucks every couple weeks.

Relapse

Saturday, October 11

I'm mostly posting this to keep track of the timeline of events. I successfully fought off a panic attack yesterday afternoon before I left for counseling, and I had another one starting this morning when I woke up.

Yesterday I suddenly started feeling sick after lunch. I thought 'what a bad time to get sick - I have counseling today, and I'm playing on Sunday'. Then I realized that it probably wasn't real sickness. I walked around and did breathing exercises and it went away within 10 minutes.

This morning one of my lessons canceled so I had time to take a walk outside, where it was in the low 40's. The cool air and exercise helped, but I'm still not feeling normal. At least I know I can head off an attack without drugs. That's good, but I would rather not have anymore at all. I'm going to dial back some of my activities because my counselor helped me realize that while I'm 'not working' I am going to the church four days a week.

My last panic attack (according to my writings) was September 5. Going over a month without any was encouraging. Since this thing starts out as an upset stomach, I wonder how many sick days I took last year that were actually mild panic episodes. I felt nauseated too often to be normal and would stay home from work, only to find that by the afternoon I felt great. Now I know I can power through it and get going anyway. Hopefully that helps me do better this year.

Big Long Post Part 2

I split today's writing into two posts to help borderline ADHD people like myself not be overwhelmed. Plus I got to find two appropriate pictures which is entertaining. (FYI – I took the bored DJ one but the other is a random shot I found on flickr.)

We now resume the rest of our program.

I'm learning a lot about myself through everything that is happening. In the past I have usually been too weak to say no to things that put extra stress on me. I realized this last week when I had to back down from a couple projects that I had already said yes to. The tension knot forming in my chest was the same old friend who has been with me since my late teens. Whenever I would get overwhelmed or over committed, I would always have this chest tightness and feel like I was going to burst. I don't think I mentioned it to anyone besides my wife because I didn't realize how serious it was. (She told me to buck up and finish the dishes.)

I'm still having a hard time finding enjoyment in hobbies, movies or games right now though. It could be depression or it could be something else. I keep switching focus to different things at home because nothing can hold my attention for as long as it used to. (Except typing I guess – look at me go!) At least if it's depression the medicine I'm on will help take care of that as well. I suspect that the previously mentioned Fallout 3 will also help with this problem, but that's not for another three weeks yet. Plus I'm a cheapskate so I have to wait an extra 3-5 days for Amazon's free shipping.

Overall I think it's a good thing that these attacks have happened to me because I am more aware of my physical & mental condition now and know my limits. Since I'm in a fragile state right now, I'm keenly aware when something is too much for me and I will say so. (plus people will actually believe me now!) I think I will continue to be more aware in the future and take better care of myself. That is why from now on I'm answering every email I get with a rickroll link and nothing else.

Big Long Post Part 1

Good news! I saw my psychologist this morning and she said I'm cured!

Ok not really, but we went through the symptoms of Bipolar II and she helped me understand what to look for. It's looking like a pretty solid no, so that's good. I couldn't bear to be on lithium and ruin my girlish figure.

She was a little surprised at how much progress I've made, which is a good thing. Besides her, I've had two other people with personal knowledge of anxiety tell me that I'm doing really well for the time I've had since this started. I am now able to calm myself with breathing exercises and aerobic activity when I feel a lot of anxiety coming on. My favorite breathing exercise, which is useful for anyone to do once or more daily is taking a slow deep breath in through your nose while expanding your diaphragm, holding it for four seconds and then slowly blowing out your mouth. After a few times of doing it I can go from anxious to sleepy. TRY IT NOW!!!!!

I don't fear (let alone have) panic attacks when going out to restaurants or stores anymore, and I haven't had a full attack for two weeks or more. (I'll have to check my blog to see when the last one was)

I also haven't taken a Xanax in two weeks that I know of, except at my Grandma's memorial. On the way down (it was a 1 hour drive), I was doing breathing exercises and trying to get things under control, but realized it was kind of a stupid day to be fighting that stuff. The next morning I played at church and led one song and didn't need Xanax. (yay!) The day after that we went down to Tahoma National Cemetery for the burial service and I did fine then as well.

The psychologist (along with everyone else I talk to) is encouraging me to take the full sabbatical that was offered until January, but not to stay out of everything. Originally she was concerned that I was off work for so long, but now that she sees I'm involved in a lot of activities and getting out, she thinks it's fine. My counselor put it a different way: "If you don't take this break you're being given, your body will give you another break that you won't like." (Such as a heart attack or a nervous breakdown)

Procrastination

I know I haven't posted anything for a while, and it's not because there's nothing going on; there's too much going on.

This week I started feeling totally overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks. I've got three emails from Monday that require a response but I haven't responded to them yet. (Sorry peoples)

I'm not sure what the overwhelmed feeling is all about but I know my dad has had similar issues. I am seeing the psychologist on Monday, so we'll see what she thinks of my progress. I go pee pee all by myself now.

Weekend Update (Without Kevin Nealon)

If you get the not very funny joke in the title, then you are tall enough for this ride.

I just got through a busy weekend. Friday was a counseling appointment, Saturday was Grandma's memorial service, Sunday I played at church, and today was Grandma's graveside service at Tahoma National Cemetery.

I'll write more of an update and post a few shots soon. (AKA when I feel like it)

Best Worship Ever?

The caption on youtube is 'Words are inadequate to properly describe this travesty'

This is the most cringe inducing thing I've seen. All hype, no worship, and extremely painful hip-hop clichés taken from several sources. I was with him up until the point where he mentioned socks.

Celexa Update (Already)

I'm still in the process of learning more about anxiety and depression symptoms & treatments. I just found out that SSRI's usually work in two to four weeks for depression but can take 8 to 12 for anxiety. Would have been nice to hear that from the doctors I worked with; they told me four weeks.

I bring this up because today started out a little shaky and got worse as time went on. I haven't had this much nervous tension in my chest for a couple weeks.

I'm glad I heard the 8-12 weeks figure or I might have been very discouraged by today.

I'm reading this fascinating book about how anxiety depression and other behaviors can be specifically linked to dysfunction in certain areas of the brain.

It seems to be written half to medical professionals and half to patients, but I'm glad, because it doesn't dumb things down and gives complete pros & cons to each treatment and medicine they discuss.

You can check it out here (audio) or here (old school)

I would love to have these scans done (there is a clinic in Tacoma - not too far from our house) but I suspect that they are not covered by insurance and cost a fortune. I'll just lay off the caffeine and keep exercising.

30 Days of Celexa

I've been on Celexa for 30 days now, so theoretically I should be doing much better. And I am doing much better, but I wouldn't say normal. Since it's been over 30 days on the medicine, I thought I would be clever and sleep without trazodone last night. It didn't go so well. I tossed & turned much of the night and woke up with a nervous stomach and chest tension. The good news is that it wasn't so severe that I was unable to eat. It's just kind of annoying. The other good news is that I've been sleeping great with it. I've got enough trazodone to last three months and I don't think there are any issues with using it so I'll stick with it for now.
I haven't taken any Xanax in over a week and most places I go out it doesn't occur to me that I might need one, so that's a step forward. The first real public test will be this Sunday. I'm playing keys at church to gauge where I'm at. If I'm going to have a panic attack or any issues, it would be there with performance pressure in front of people. I'm still not practicing though ;-) (Just kidding Jodi)

This will be much easier than leading a service. I'm not planning any of it or in charge of anything, I just have to be in the band and goof off with the rest of those slackers while Jodi tries to make us quit doing blues jams. (I got my Rhodes fingers at the ready)

I was planning the weekend so that I would be nice and relaxed before Sunday, but we're having the memorial for my grandma on Saturday and I doubt it will be very relaxing. Hopefully that won't matter though. I am a little nervous about Sunday just because I don't want to be disappointed by another attack.

I feel bad about going straight to the big boy medicine before looking into alternatives. I have received a lot of tips about natural remedies for anxiety and stress. (thanks for those) The problem was that not only was I having panic attacks, but I was so panicked about my condition and being unable to work (not to mention living a miserable existence for a time) that I jumped on the doctor's recommendation without giving it a second thought. I told this to my psychologist and she said that's silly, but I still wonder what else might have been possible.

There are some side effects to Celexa and it's a long term drug, so I'll have to deal with that. The most prominent is dry mouth. I feel parched all day every day. My dentist told me that without enough saliva in your mouth your tooth decay and cavity rate increases. He told me to get some gum with xylitol in it (I choose stride because it really is ridiculously long lasting) to stimulate the salivary glands and use a flouride rinse at night for added protection. I used to drink a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew in one day when I was a skateboarding teenager and I didn't floss, so I have watches all over my mouth in between the teeth. I've already had more than 10 fillings since I started going to the dentist on my own and I'd like to keep my normal teeth as long as possible. I hate chewing gum but I'm having about four pieces a day now.

Whenever I sang on stage I always had a cough drop in my mouth to keep from being too dry as it is. Hopefully that's still enough to do the job. Gum is a bit tacky on stage, even for a laid back church.

Well that's enough typing for one day.

Motivational Pictures

Anyone who feels like you're failing at eating right and keeping your house clean should click below for something that will make you seem like a triathalon champion in comparison.

http://www.houston-imports.com/dirty/dirty.html

(This got hit today on boingboing.net and probably other sites so it may be slow to load)

Bust A Move For Jesus

Everything is better if it's Christian, right? So why not break dancing? (well sort-of breakdancing) It would be so painful to be one of those musicians on stage. I would wear a fake mustache and maybe my emergency wig.

Bipolar II?

I had never heard of bipolar II before (as opposed to 'regular' bipolar, AKA bipolar I), but it's a possibility I need to look into. My dad was just diagnosed with it and it can be hereditary. There are many symptoms for bipolar II which include panic attacks, but that's just a small piece of the puzzle.

This condition is easy to mis-diagnose because the symptoms include anxiety and depression; two biggies for many people. Also the highs and lows are much more understated so it's not always obvious that a person is ill.

I don't know too much about it but my counsellor went over the symptoms with me and more of then ring a bell than not. I'm seeing the psychologist on October 6th so we'll see where to go next at that meeting. I put a call into the office asking for a screening but I don't know if she can do it or if I have to be referred to a psychiatrist. Only psychiatrists can prescribe the medication for all forms of bipolar, but maybe they don't need to do the screening.

I'm kind of hoping that I do have bipolar II because then I'll have an excuse for being such a jerk!

Here's some bedtime reading. Good luck figuring out what it means.
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-md05.html

After reading that page I have my doubts about the condition now - many of the things I talked about with my counsellor don't seem to be listed, and I'm pretty sure I've never had a major depressive episode, which is a requirement for diagnosis. I'll just wait and see what the psychologist thinks and go from there I guess.

Also, I'd just like to let everyone know that I spelled psychologist and psychiatrist right without the help of spellcheck. I'm sure you're proud.

Farewell Grandma Gentry

My grandmother passed away this afternoon. She had a stroke last year and has been bedridden for about a year now. She has been unable to swallow or talk and has been fed through a stomach tube all this time.

I think I would have given up long since if I were in her position, but she was tenacious. It's hard to lose her, but I'm sure she's much happier now.

Her and grandpa gave us a piano when I was ten and that's what got me started playing. If it weren't for that, I might be a violin player right now, which is nice, but not so great for leading music. She always encouraged me in music, talked her friend's ears off about how great I was and made sure I was practicing every time I saw her.

I had put a tribute to her inside my CD booklet, but she had the stroke just before the project was released. I guess that's my only regret, but she always made it clear she was proud of me. We brought a stereo into her room and played the CD for her, but I'm pretty sure she didn't know what it was. Her and grandpa had given me some money to buy the initial equipment I needed to start the project, so it might not have happened or been delayed a while if they had not done that.

The lower picture is of mom, Isabelle and Elena visiting her. We had a keyboard in her room and would sing some of her favorite hymns. (She played piano in church from when she was young until she was physically unable) When we would sing one of her favorites she would vocalize and try to sit up. Even though we couldn't understand her, we know she recognized that music and wanted to participate. She had a unique style of playing where she did hymns in a ragtime style. It was quite lively and fun to listen to. My mom and I tried to emulate that sound for her but we fall short of grandmas abilities in that genre. I have a midi recording of her playing somewhere in the closet I think; I'll have to pull it out and see if I can record it to audio.

Last week the girls went with my mom to visit her. Elena rubbed lotion on grandma's hands, arms & face, and Elena & Isabelle sang some songs for her, dictated 'get well' cards, and drew pictures for grandma. It's always sweet to hear children singing and I'm sure grandma loved it even if she couldn't say so.

At the end of their visit Elena came running with a teddy bear and said, “She needs something to cuddle when we leave.” The sweet gesture of 4-year-old comfort! My aunt said grandma was holding it when she arrived at grandma's bedside yesterday. Elena's comfort was with Great Grandma to her last breath.

Before grandma passed away Elena asked my mom “Gramma, when will Great Gramma Gentry get well?” to which Isabelle replied “Elena, she’s very old; she’s just going to get dead.” When we told Elena today that great grandma had died, she said "Now she can eat!"

God bless you Grandma, we'll miss you.

Pregnant?

The last two mornings I have woken up with raw nerves, but nothing terrible until I try to eat breakfast.  Yesterday morning I had toast with butter & honey, and today a mini bagel with a small bit of cream cheese.  (Both with tea - I've got to have some caffeine!)

As soon as I started eating both days I got so nauseated I could barely finish the food.  Yesterday I did 100 skips of jump rope (I can't believe how much that works your whole body) and went outside and manually pumped up the tires on our cars. (They lose air over time, plus change 1 PSI for every ten degrees (f) of temperature change.)  I could tell they needed it because they have both been handling sloppy on corners.  Side curiosity - can anyone from Europe say what air pressure is measured in over there?  Since it's metric I'm assuming it wouldn't be pounds per square inch.

Anyhow, the exercise made my stomach feel better which means it was nerves.  Not sure why I'm having trouble now when I've been doing so well. If I really do get sick, that routine will backfire terribly on me.  Imagine doing jump rope & push-ups when you have the flu.  I guess I should exercise with a bucket & towel close by.

Today I had the same thing happen but felt better by lunch time.  Male morning sickness!  I would like to trade it for nighttime sickness so that I would be more disciplined in my eating habits.

The title of this post probably got the grandparents all excited.  Sorry about that.  Vasectomy is still scheduled for the 30th :)

First Night Of Sleep With No Drugs

Last night I slept without taking anything to help me slip into oblivion and it sort of worked. I woke up a few times, but was able to fall back asleep quickly. The only downside to not taking a sleep aid is that I still woke up with a tumultuous stomach and didn't have much appetite in the morning.

I'm not sure why, but it seems that if I don't get solid sleep my nerves are more shaky the next day.

I've got some other news coming that may have something to do with my trouble falling asleep, but I'm going to leave it for another time when I'm less sleepy. I've had trouble falling asleep for as long as I can remember. In the last four years that I've had an iPod, I've used it every night to make my brain shut up, and that has worked well until the panic episodes began.

PSA for the two readers who play video games

This will probably be competing with Spore for game of the year, but it will be no contest for me - this will be way better. (Click image to view large, or don't.)

I'm pretty sure I'll be back to work by October 24, so I'll just have to forgo sleep when this comes out.

Coffee Is Yummy

I was talking with someone the other day about different ways of preparing coffee and was telling them about how fantastic my french press coffee is. (I'm very humble)

The trouble is that talking about it made me want one so bad that I had to drink some. I made one the next day and it was fantastic as usual. I'm doing so much better than I was a few weeks ago I think it hardly did anything to me, so that's good. I am 'over' coffee in the sense that I don't need it to avoid headaches in the morning, but it's good to know that I can enjoy a cup.

I'm still using trazodone to sleep at night, but I'm going to try without it and see what happens. It's kind of a scary drug, but it makes me extremely sleepy for six hours, so you don't wake up groggy. I learned that I need to take it when I'm almost in bed after my first experience with it. It makes me so dizzy that I had to pull myself up the stairs with the rail to keep from falling down. That is easily resolved by not taking it too early so it's not a big deal.

Anyway, I think I'll go make an Americano now before it gets too late in the afternoon and disrupts my old man style sleep habits.

Here's my favorite coffee for french press if you're interested. I know that Gevalia sends you annoying junk mail all the time but they actually have some good coffee. Try some and you'll join the "Starbucks is burnt" crowd.
And here's my new-ish grinder, which surprisingly made a noticeable difference in the quality of my coffee.

If you're not a computer person, here's your free tech tip for the week:
Hold CTRL (CMD on Mac) while you click the links and they will open in new tabs.

Inspriational Break

I haven't been writing in the last few days but I wanted to share this with everyone. You may have already seen it because it's becoming a web phenomenon, but you can play it over and over and it just doesn't get old. When I get back to leading worship I'll be sure to add this to our repertoire.

"He is like a Mountie; he always gets his man." Brilliant!

How To Overcome Obstacles. (end of video)

New Direction

Friday, September 5

Yesterday morning I saw a psychologist at the Everett Clinic. They gave me the option of the Everett Marina office or Marysville. I told them that if I had to go sit in a box in Marysville, they could add depression to my list of ailments. (I lived there for five years so I can say that)

This office was right on the water and had a view of the docks & ocean. I was officially diagnosed with something, but it had letters on the end and I don't remember what it was. The important thing is that my insurance will pony up the $300 bill only if I am diagnosed with certain conditions.

She said my attacks can be classified as panic attacks. I've always said anxiety because it sounds nicer, but panic is a much better word for people who haven't experienced it. Your body is going into overdrive to protect from some perceived danger - fight or flight response is triggered and it can happen out of a dead sleep. Fortunately I've only experienced that once.

Anyhow, she was concerned about me taking too much time off work, and wants me to get out in public often. She said one of the best treatments for this (besides drugs, which should start helping me in about two weeks) is exposure. (Plus the other stuff I posted earlier about not fearing your symptoms) She told me to go to restaurants and go shopping and be out where I think I might have an attack. If I have an attack at the grocery store, she says keep shopping and try to ignore it. Many people take a brisk walk outside when an attack is coming on and that stops it. I totally intended to follow up on that, but I went home and played Bioshock for much of the day. And there was much rejoicing.

The only bummer that morning was that I started having an attack right before I saw the psycholosgist, so I was taking a pill just as she came out to call me back.

I really wish I could trade the nausea for one of the other possible panic symptoms. There's trembling, sweaty palms, even headache might be a step up. I feel so sick and want to lay down so bad when it hits, but I have to try to exercise or keep doing what I'm doing if I want the attack to pass quickly.

I went with a friend this evening down to Lynnwood (about 25 minutes away) for dinner at Claimjumpers, which was fantastic, and we stopped at a couple stores on the way home to compare prices for his business. I was a little nervous on the way down, but did fine and made it home without event. I know that sounds silly, but these things can strike hard & fast without warning. Case in point: An attack hit me just before I got to see the psychologist yesterday morning. It was escalating so quickly that I wimped out and took a Xanax because I wanted to be able to pay attention to what she said.

I just blanked out, so I guess that's the end of the story of how I spent my summer vacation.

First Day Of School

We saw Isabelle off to her first day as a first grader this morning. The bus came in pretty good time to pick her up, but we stood by the street for a half hour waiting for her to come home. She had a great day. Her first or second day of Kindergarten she stepped off the bus and burst into tears because one of the kids did something mean. So sad to see your kid have to face real life & learn that not everyone in the world is nice.

Sleep Without Drugs (That's the goal, anyway)

Wednesday, September 3

Yesterday I finally saw my primary doctor and discussed things with him. I'm still not sleeping without Xanax, but he told me I need to try not to use it for sleep. He suggested over the counter sleeping pills, but my last experience with that was terrible, which I posted about during the first day of this blog. Another option would be Trazodone, which is an anti-depressant that nobody uses to treat depression with anymore because it makes people too sleepy. It is not habit forming like Xanax, so I might try it if things don't go well.

So last night I went to bed without taking anything, and it was sort-of successful. I had adrenaline & tension going in my chest all through the night but it wasn't so severe that I didn't get any sleep. I didn't get much sleep however, (and I keep my wife up with all the tossing & turning) so hopefully tonight goes better.

One interesting effect of not taking Xanax to sleep is that I woke up with the same tension I had during my first week off work. It never really went away, but it's not as bad as before and I didn't have any nausea with it, so things are looking up. When I sleep with Xanax, I wake up rested and peaceful. Obviously I need to get to that point without drugs, but it isn't happening quite yet.

Random Paragraph That Has Nothing To Do With This Post:

I have basically given up coffee, which is one of my favorite things in the world. Some days I'm bad and make an Americano or a small press pot (mmm...) but drinking it usually makes me sick or brings tension into my chest. Fortunately I've gotten into tea in the last few years and I can still handle that.

First Counseling Session

I had my first session with a counselor last Friday, and it went well. I'm glad someone could take the time to point out how truly messed up I am ;-)

Since I'm being so open about everything here I recorded the session and typed a transcript if you want to see how things went.

Counseling Session Transcript

Enjoy!

So Far So Good

Friday, August 29

Yesterday and today I have only felt a little sickness in the morning and have done well the rest of the time with no Xanax. I did have to take one last night to sleep, but it was minor chest tension and adrenaline keeping me up, not a full attack. (In other words, not something I could fight off, I would have just stayed awake)

I was concerned because I have a counseling appointment tonight (1.5 hours away now) and thought I might have an attack because of that pressure. Filling out the papers was difficult. Several pages of family & personal history asking what I liked & disliked about my childhood, parents, spouse, plus many other questions. It brought up a lot of tension to do the papers but it went away quickly. Anyway, so far I'm doing fine, but my wife is driving my just in case I'm not doing fine by the time the two hour(!) session is over.

One cool thing that happened today - we made a deal with the kids that they would save their allowance until they could afford half of the Pink Panther Cartoon collection and we would pay the rest. (14 hours of short toons from the late 60's that they like). It was $40-something at amazon.com. Today going through my rss feeds I saw that it was the deal of the day for $27, so I snagged it and we'll give it to the kids when they have enough.

It's a holiday weekend in the U.S., and not many people will be reading so I'll quit now. Google Analytics will tell me how many faithful (i.e. non-vacationing) readers remain.

Things Could Always Be Worse

Here's an inspirational verse from 2 Chronicles

¹⁸ After all this, the Lord struck Jehoram with the severe intestinal disease. ¹⁹ The disease grew worse and worse, and at the end of two years it caused his bowels to come out, and he died in agony. His people did not build a great funeral fire to honor him as they had done for his ancestors.

²⁰ Jehoram was thirty-two years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. No one was sorry when he died. They buried him in the City of David, but not in the royal cemetery.

That's what you get for killing your brothers and causing your people to worship idols!

Less Victory Than I Had Hoped

OK I'm just having fun with titles here, but after finding arbitrary titles for hundreds (or thousands) of images on flickr I naturally think that way.

The title isn't totally off though.

Tuesday, August 26

I got a good nights sleep and woke up with the familiar knot in my stomach & chest, but it wasn't unbearable so I didn't take anything. We had someone over for dinner, and during the meal I started to feel nausea & chest tension coming on so I took a Xanax. (So far my plan to take it only at night has worked zero times)

Later, we were watching Prison Break on DVD and I took a bathroom break. While I was in there I got hit with a sudden burst of nausea, hot flash & dizziness. The same feeling I get right before vomiting. This was an instant onset of attack without me even having a chance to face it & accept it & all that.

I wasn't able to finish watching the show and had to go to bed so I could concentrate on not being afraid of my symptoms. Sounds crazy, but that is the way to get permanently better if you keep it up according to the book I'm reading. It does work to hold off further attack, but it came on so severe and suddenly that there wasn't much I could do to help myself. At 10 PM I took another Xanax and was able to sleep through the night. (Well I woke up at 4:00 for a bathroom break, but was able to get right back to sleep instead of watching another sunrise)

This is the first time I've actually had an attack while on Xanax. That is very disconcerting because I thought that Xanax was my magic bullet I could rely on when I need to go out. I have a counselling consultation Friday evening so hopefully I won't be feeling sick the whole time. There's nothing like dredging up garbage from the past while you feel like you're about to hurl!

I'm wondering if the tenseness of the show encouraged my attack, although I felt early symptoms during dinner. I was able to relax more once I quit watching it, but the nausea never left.

Wednesday, August 27

This morning I woke up and ate a little, but still felt so sick that I took a Xanax after being up for an hour. Again, I still felt attacks coming on while it was in my system and had to keep the kids away from me or quiet because the activity made it worse. I talked to one of my flickr friends who has been through a lot of similar (but worse) experiences and he said that Xanax can stop being as effective after taking it continuously. I haven't been taking it that long so hopefully that isn't happening already.

The good side of this is that all of my pants are way too big for me now, as they should be since I've been running 10-15 pounds overweight for some time and have had to buy bigger pants in the last couple years. The bad side is I have to wear a belt all the time. (I know, call the wahmbulance.)

Other than that, I basically wasted the entire day trying (unsuccessfully) to jailbreak my iPod Touch 2.0 firmware The hack apps aren't quite ready for prime time I guess. I also just realized that Firefox's built in auto-spellchecker doesn't work in the window where I write this stuff, so previous posts haven't been checked for spelling. I am gud spelur without it aniway.

A Bigger Victory

I got 30 more Xanax yesterday, so there should be no more nonsense about staying awake all night for a while. I don't really feel good during the day unless I take it continuously, but I'm trying to just take it at night.

I haven't had any serious attacks during the day since I've been home, but I never got them at home before anyway. I have a continuous knot in my stomach & pressure in my chest which I can be distracted from if I'm concentrating on something but it never really goes away without medication.

I've been hoping I don't get depression along with the anxiety, but the medication (Celexa) treats both, so I guess it won't really matter. I don't 'feel' depressed but I have withdrawn from a lot of activity on Flickr.com, which is my main social outlet for fun, and I've been less motivated to process pictures, which is my main hobby. I'm even getting bored with Civilization IV, which used to keep me up to the wee hours of the morning :)

Uh-oh. Just checked the definition of depression: "Depression is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive low mood, and loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities"

At least I still enjoy sleep.

Thank You's & Apologies

Thanks

I want to thank everyone who has taken time to send me an email with encouragement or personal experiences. I'm trying to get back to everyone if it seems appropriate. I appreciate it, and for everyone who has sent suggestions or advice, I'm copying those things into a single document so they don't get lost in my inbox forever.

Sorry

And I want to apologize to whomever I need to because one of the symptoms of anxiety is irritability. The doctor asked me a few times if I had been irritable lately. I said "well, maybe a little"...

My wife and mother both would like to upgrade that to "Yes, a lot."

So sorry about that.

A Small Victory (?)

Yesterday (Sunday, August 24) I read some more of my book. It talked about first & second fears with anxiety. The first fear is a natural thing we all might feel when there is a loud noise or something like that. For an over sensitized person this fear immediately triggers a second fear, which is a fear of your symptoms. This causes more adrenaline to be released and makes your fear come true.

You are supposed to face your initial fear & symptoms and not be disconcerted by them. That is easier said than done but I managed to do it last night. The downside is that I only got a few hours of sleep. I successfully held off a full attack but wasn't able to rest. (And I kept my wife up with all my tossing and turning)

It's good to know that I can have some control over it without medication though. I haven't left the house since last Thursday and I still don't know if I could without Xanax, but hopefully things will be better soon.

I've never been one of those people who call a doctor just for drugs, but I put in a request today for more Xanax since I won't be seeing the doctor for 8 days. My first prescription was from the walk-in clinic, and they are very strict about no refills (for good reason) so I hope my doctor will approve it without having seen me.

Finally Some Sleep...

Sunday, August 24

I could tell that it was shaping up to be another bad night last night so I broke down and took another Xanax. I only have four left now and no doctors appointment on the schedule. I'll call tomorrow but who knows when I'll be able to get in. I still haven't seen my primary doctor yet so hopefully I can do that soon. If I continue to have trouble sleeping I'll have to spread the pills out so I can sleep every two days and hope I get in to the doctor soon I guess.

Anyhow I had a beautiful nights rest; I woke up several times but I was peaceful and able to go right back to sleep, even after the Xanax had worn off. I ended up with 10 hours of sleep, which helped offset the previous two nights.

Here's a proverb I came across today that I thought was funny and appropriate in this translation.
Proverbs 20:24 (NLT):
²⁴ The Lord directs our steps,
so why try to understand everything along the way?

Sunrise Update

We just found out that the sunrise I photographed was one of the more exeptional ones we've had. People were pulling off the highway on the way to work to look at it. I should count my blessings that this was the night I was awake all that time.

Two Terrible Nights In A Row

August 23

I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.

Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.

When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.

If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)

The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.

Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.

The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.

I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.

First 'Regular' Doctor Visit & Sleepless Night Without Xanax

Thursday, August 21

My doctor was still unavailable, but I got in to see someone so that we could get on with whatever needs to be done.

She told me to quit taking the Xanax except for emergencies and put me on Citalopram, (Celexa) which is a long term anti-depressant. The idea is that it builds up in your system and changes the way your brain handles serotonin levels over time, and then you wean off of it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help with anxiety for three to four weeks and one of the side affects can be increased anxiety, which will be the next post.

She also referred me to the part of the clinic that does counseling so I should expect a call soon.

Thursday Night, August 21

This was a really bad night. I ended up with a grand total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep. First night off the Xanax, and it didn't go so well. I'm used to being sedated plus the new stuff can cause sleep difficulties or sleepiness but apparently they don't know which. Anyhow I ended up being awake since 3:30 in the morning after going to bed around midnight.

At 3:30 when I woke up, my wife hadn't come to bed yet. She had been watching a show at her sister's house late that night so I was worried and went to check to see if her car was there. She was just wired and stayed up cleaning the house (just like I taught her) but the initial worry had triggered a fear response that kept adrenaline going in me for a while and I was never able to get back to sleep.

The plus side of no sleep is that I got some great shots of the sun rising over the lake this morning. They aren't ready yet, but be watching my flickr page around Christmas time when I get caught up on my pictures. My wife stayed up all night & wanted to exercise at Curves at 6:00 AM so we talked & watched the sun come up over the lake from 5AM to 6AM. We were both tired afterward, but we learned a valuable lesson about sleep. Actually not, but we were very tired.

Last Day of Work

Wednesday, August 20 was my last day of work for a while. My boss (and Pastor) has generously offered me a sabbatical so that I can work on getting well without external stresses. The past few days have still been busy because I've been doing a lot of communicating with people about my condition and wasting time on flickr.

OKAY, and playing Civilization IV. Now there's something that's addictive.

Another Weekend, Another Wedding

Friday, August 15

We had a wedding rehearsal for a ceremony I was photographing. The rehearsal lunch was at a local restaurant and my wife & I went together. A few minutes after we sat down I started to get those bad familiar feeling I had gotten at Anthony's. I didn't have any of the medicine with me (stupid) so we had to drive back to the church and get it, then go back to a cold lunch.

Unfortunately as soon as we finished eating, one of the grandma's there started seeming like she was going to faint or have a seizure. An ambulance came and picked her up. This was obviously a bigger deal for her than for me, but that added stress would have definitely put me over the edge without medication.
(btw she is fine - it was dehydration)

Saturday, August 16

Photographed the wedding on medication and it went well. Still a little mellow, but that's way better than being unavailable for such an important event. Once again I had a backup plan - a pro photographer who is a friend happened to have an empty Saturday because they were going out of town and was ready to be plan B.

Sunday, August 17

Because of my problems in the past weekends, this time I had already gotten someone to lead worship for me, and I was playing guitar in the band. Even with the Xanax, I still felt a brief moment of panic as all the people filed into the room, but this time I took steps to help myself. After rehearsal and in between services I hid out in my office so that I could just walk on stage without the chit-chat that had pushed me over the edge two weeks before.

First Doctor Visit for Anxiety

Tuesday, August 12

This was a terrible morning. I had finally realized that this thing wasn't going away and it had rendered me unable to do the most important part of my job. I broke down crying for the first time. Not in despair, but the significance of everything was weighing on me.

I had a piano lesson in my home that morning for a friend of my wife's, but wasn't in any shape to do it. They went out for coffee and came back an hour later and we got through it fine.

After that I went to the walk-in clinic again, this time specifically for anxiety. (My doctor was unavailable for several weeks) I was still an emotional wreck and broke down again while the poor nurse was asking me questions. (She gave me a hug & offered to bring some juice though:))

I saw a different doctor, told him the cliff notes of my previous posts and he prescribed Xanax to calm me down. (0.5mg three times a day as needed)

Xanax

I took my first Xanax that evening. We had someone coming over and I was feeling edgy & wanted to avoid getting sick again. It was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in some time. (I know you shouldn't say that about drugs, but truth is truth) For the first time in memory, I was at total peace. The nervousness in my stomach went away and I was able to eat dinner & watch a movie and feel good. It did have the side effect of making me very mellow, but for the time being it was a good tradeoff.

I was able to get through the rest of the week fine with the medication. I tried not to take it three times a day since it said 'as needed', but as the weekend approached it became clear that I did need three a day to function normally.

Catching Up Part III

Tuesday, August 5

I had my first real attack that was clearly anxiety. I took my daughter to Toys R Us to pick out a toy with her birthday money, and the moment the doors opened, I wanted to run back to the car & get home. What was the horrifying thing awaiting me behind the doors? Two girls at the customer service desk! (Cue 'who wants to be a millionaire' music)

This anxiety was totally irrational and had nothing to do with anything. That was the first time I realized that something was not right and it was more serious than bad leftovers.

We made it through the shopping trip, but I was very apprehensive and told my daughter that we might have to leave on short notice, so she had her standby toy picked out while we kept looking at other things.

At this point I still did not go see a doctor for anxiety because it was a small episode and I continued working throughout the week as normal.

Saturday night August 9

We had dinner with my parents at Anthony's Homeport (A nice restaurant on the waterfront) Things had been fine since Tuesday, but midway through the meal, I got the familiar nausea & dizziness and had to go to the bathroom. When we got home I called people to take care of worship the next morning. (10 hour notice instead of 20 minutes this time!)

Getting worship covered was one thing, but I was supposed to be officiating a wedding on Sunday afternoon. I called another pastor at the church and asked them to be ready to fill in for me. I was up much of the night feeling sick and unable to sleep. Three times I woke up so drenched with sweat I had to towel off and put a shirt down on the bed so I could lay on something dry. We have an air conditioner in our bedroom, so that was interesting.

Sunday, August 10

I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as terrible as ever. I really wanted to be there for this wedding since I had met with the couple and done the rehearsal with them. I started feeling slightly better mid morning and told them I would try and be there.

I did end up doing the wedding and it went fine, but I never did feel well through it all. The other pastor was there ready to play tag team officiant if needed. Might be fun to try someday.

By now it had become clear to all of us that it was time for me to be euthanized. Fortunately I talked my wife into giving it a go for a while longer.

Catching Up Part II

Skip a few days to Sunday morning August 3. I arrived at the church at 7:45AM for rehearsal. Everything went great and we spent some time joking around in between songs. I talked to a few people about how I had been sick for the concert and what unfortunate timing that had been.

As soon as people started showing up for church and the general chit-chat began, I started feeling nauseated and dizzy again. This was really bad timing since I was playing the piano & singing. I told some of the team how I was feeling but we had to get on with it.

During the music I felt so badly that I sat on a stool and tried to keep my head down. (Fortunately I wear a headset so that I don't have to stay in one spot) I was in real danger of fainting in front of everyone and began looking around for which direction I should go down if it came to that.

The nausea & dizziness were so strong that I had to go home and was not able to lead the next service. I felt terrible about this, as it forced the team to come up with a plan B and a new leader with new songs in about 20 minutes. There was a girl in the congregation that morning who plays piano and they grabbed the Jr. High pastor to sing.

Since I had been sick two weekends in a row, I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, August 4 to see a doctor. At this point anxiety had been raised as a possible explanation in conversation with people and I mentioned it to the doctor, but didn't have much to go on. If I had done even a minimal amount of research such as reading the anxiety page on Wikipedia I may have pushed that idea more strongly with the doctor.

He did a basic checkup and we did blood work and everything came out normal, so the idea was that perhaps it was a viral thing that re surged.

Catching Up Part I

This whole thing has probably been building for some time, but it really first hit on July 27. I did a worship concert at New Life Church in Everett that evening. I was very nervous about it because it was the first time I've had people coming just to see ME. I'm used to being in front of people, but not used to being the reason the are there.

I've been playing in front of people in some capacity for 20 years now, so it is interesting that this event caused such distress for me. Some have suggested that perhaps I was experiencing some mild post traumatic stress since I used to be on staff at that church and had a very difficult year before I left. This was not my first time playing there since I left though; I have done a few memorial services there, plus attended a song writers group that met there and didn't have any issues.

The morning of the 27th started out fine. I lead worship at our church and made it through both services with no problems. During the sermon of the second service I began to feel nauseated and dizzy. I went outside and sat down thinking some fresh air would help. It did not help, and when service was released, people came streaming out of the doors and several people wanted to ask about the concert or other things, and this made it worse.

I became so nauseated that I retreated to a single bathroom and lay down on the floor. I was so sure I would throw up that I removed my shirt & shoes since I didn't have any other clothes with me. Fortunately I didn't throw up, but I did have diarrhea three times, which was special. I stayed in the bathroom for about 45 minutes before I felt like I would be able to drive home.

Once home I lay on the couch wondering if I would be able to do the concert or not. I ended up going, but never really felt better. During our afternoon rehearsal I felt fine (I have since found that video games or exercise can help distract from symptoms, since the nausea isn't legit) but I wasn't able to eat during dinner. My insides were in turmoil all day.

When it came time to do the concert, once again I was fine and made it through the evening with no more trouble. When I got home I still didn't feel great though, and stayed in bed through much of Monday. I felt good on tuesday, but stayed home from work on Wednesday the 30th. I had a haircut at 8AM that morning and began to feel sick towards the end of it.

At this point I had no clue that it was anxiety, or even that anxiety could cause these symptoms.

Introduction

My name is Marcus. I'm a regular guy who has played music and sang regularly in front of people for 20 years. Literally overnight I have become crippled by anxiety attacks. So far I can only go out or be in front of people if I'm on Xanax. That's bad.

I'm a worship leader (music director) at a church in Snohomish Washington. Starting on July 27, 2008 I've begun to experience anxiety attacks that have been severe enough to put me in bed for a day or more at a time. I am currently on a sabbatical from work and have just begun the process of finding medication, counseling and reading up on my condition.

This blog will serve three purposes:

• Keep friends & family updated on my condition while simultaneously curing their insomnia.
• Document events, times, medication, etc. for my failing memory.
• Serve as a therapeutic outlet while I deal with this and make progress towards wellness.
  

Some notes about myself:

• At times things are very difficult for me, but when they're not I'm a chronic joker and especially enjoy subtle humor. That will hopefully be reflected in my posts.
• I enjoy photography as a hobby and you can check out my flickr page here.
• I edit posts a lot. If you see that a post has been edited, don't assume I've redacted information; usually it's done to change wording I don't like or clarify something.
• I didn't really like that last sentence but I think I'll leave it.