Less Victory Than I Had Hoped

OK I'm just having fun with titles here, but after finding arbitrary titles for hundreds (or thousands) of images on flickr I naturally think that way.

The title isn't totally off though.

Tuesday, August 26

I got a good nights sleep and woke up with the familiar knot in my stomach & chest, but it wasn't unbearable so I didn't take anything. We had someone over for dinner, and during the meal I started to feel nausea & chest tension coming on so I took a Xanax. (So far my plan to take it only at night has worked zero times)

Later, we were watching Prison Break on DVD and I took a bathroom break. While I was in there I got hit with a sudden burst of nausea, hot flash & dizziness. The same feeling I get right before vomiting. This was an instant onset of attack without me even having a chance to face it & accept it & all that.

I wasn't able to finish watching the show and had to go to bed so I could concentrate on not being afraid of my symptoms. Sounds crazy, but that is the way to get permanently better if you keep it up according to the book I'm reading. It does work to hold off further attack, but it came on so severe and suddenly that there wasn't much I could do to help myself. At 10 PM I took another Xanax and was able to sleep through the night. (Well I woke up at 4:00 for a bathroom break, but was able to get right back to sleep instead of watching another sunrise)

This is the first time I've actually had an attack while on Xanax. That is very disconcerting because I thought that Xanax was my magic bullet I could rely on when I need to go out. I have a counselling consultation Friday evening so hopefully I won't be feeling sick the whole time. There's nothing like dredging up garbage from the past while you feel like you're about to hurl!

I'm wondering if the tenseness of the show encouraged my attack, although I felt early symptoms during dinner. I was able to relax more once I quit watching it, but the nausea never left.

Wednesday, August 27

This morning I woke up and ate a little, but still felt so sick that I took a Xanax after being up for an hour. Again, I still felt attacks coming on while it was in my system and had to keep the kids away from me or quiet because the activity made it worse. I talked to one of my flickr friends who has been through a lot of similar (but worse) experiences and he said that Xanax can stop being as effective after taking it continuously. I haven't been taking it that long so hopefully that isn't happening already.

The good side of this is that all of my pants are way too big for me now, as they should be since I've been running 10-15 pounds overweight for some time and have had to buy bigger pants in the last couple years. The bad side is I have to wear a belt all the time. (I know, call the wahmbulance.)

Other than that, I basically wasted the entire day trying (unsuccessfully) to jailbreak my iPod Touch 2.0 firmware The hack apps aren't quite ready for prime time I guess. I also just realized that Firefox's built in auto-spellchecker doesn't work in the window where I write this stuff, so previous posts haven't been checked for spelling. I am gud spelur without it aniway.