Yesterday (Sunday, August 24) I read some more of my book. It talked about first & second fears with anxiety. The first fear is a natural thing we all might feel when there is a loud noise or something like that. For an over sensitized person this fear immediately triggers a second fear, which is a fear of your symptoms. This causes more adrenaline to be released and makes your fear come true.
You are supposed to face your initial fear & symptoms and not be disconcerted by them. That is easier said than done but I managed to do it last night. The downside is that I only got a few hours of sleep. I successfully held off a full attack but wasn't able to rest. (And I kept my wife up with all my tossing and turning)
It's good to know that I can have some control over it without medication though. I haven't left the house since last Thursday and I still don't know if I could without Xanax, but hopefully things will be better soon.
I've never been one of those people who call a doctor just for drugs, but I put in a request today for more Xanax since I won't be seeing the doctor for 8 days. My first prescription was from the walk-in clinic, and they are very strict about no refills (for good reason) so I hope my doctor will approve it without having seen me.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Two Terrible Nights In A Row
August 23
I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.
Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.
When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.
If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)
The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.
Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.
The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.
I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.
I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.
Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.
When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.
If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)
The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.
Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.
The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.
I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.
First Doctor Visit for Anxiety
Tuesday, August 12
This was a terrible morning. I had finally realized that this thing wasn't going away and it had rendered me unable to do the most important part of my job. I broke down crying for the first time. Not in despair, but the significance of everything was weighing on me.
I had a piano lesson in my home that morning for a friend of my wife's, but wasn't in any shape to do it. They went out for coffee and came back an hour later and we got through it fine.
After that I went to the walk-in clinic again, this time specifically for anxiety. (My doctor was unavailable for several weeks) I was still an emotional wreck and broke down again while the poor nurse was asking me questions. (She gave me a hug & offered to bring some juice though:))
I saw a different doctor, told him the cliff notes of my previous posts and he prescribed Xanax to calm me down. (0.5mg three times a day as needed)
Xanax
I took my first Xanax that evening. We had someone coming over and I was feeling edgy & wanted to avoid getting sick again. It was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in some time. (I know you shouldn't say that about drugs, but truth is truth) For the first time in memory, I was at total peace. The nervousness in my stomach went away and I was able to eat dinner & watch a movie and feel good. It did have the side effect of making me very mellow, but for the time being it was a good tradeoff.
I was able to get through the rest of the week fine with the medication. I tried not to take it three times a day since it said 'as needed', but as the weekend approached it became clear that I did need three a day to function normally.
This was a terrible morning. I had finally realized that this thing wasn't going away and it had rendered me unable to do the most important part of my job. I broke down crying for the first time. Not in despair, but the significance of everything was weighing on me.
I had a piano lesson in my home that morning for a friend of my wife's, but wasn't in any shape to do it. They went out for coffee and came back an hour later and we got through it fine.
After that I went to the walk-in clinic again, this time specifically for anxiety. (My doctor was unavailable for several weeks) I was still an emotional wreck and broke down again while the poor nurse was asking me questions. (She gave me a hug & offered to bring some juice though:))
I saw a different doctor, told him the cliff notes of my previous posts and he prescribed Xanax to calm me down. (0.5mg three times a day as needed)
Xanax
I took my first Xanax that evening. We had someone coming over and I was feeling edgy & wanted to avoid getting sick again. It was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in some time. (I know you shouldn't say that about drugs, but truth is truth) For the first time in memory, I was at total peace. The nervousness in my stomach went away and I was able to eat dinner & watch a movie and feel good. It did have the side effect of making me very mellow, but for the time being it was a good tradeoff.
I was able to get through the rest of the week fine with the medication. I tried not to take it three times a day since it said 'as needed', but as the weekend approached it became clear that I did need three a day to function normally.
Catching Up Part III
Tuesday, August 5
I had my first real attack that was clearly anxiety. I took my daughter to Toys R Us to pick out a toy with her birthday money, and the moment the doors opened, I wanted to run back to the car & get home. What was the horrifying thing awaiting me behind the doors? Two girls at the customer service desk! (Cue 'who wants to be a millionaire' music)
This anxiety was totally irrational and had nothing to do with anything. That was the first time I realized that something was not right and it was more serious than bad leftovers.
We made it through the shopping trip, but I was very apprehensive and told my daughter that we might have to leave on short notice, so she had her standby toy picked out while we kept looking at other things.
At this point I still did not go see a doctor for anxiety because it was a small episode and I continued working throughout the week as normal.
Saturday night August 9
We had dinner with my parents at Anthony's Homeport (A nice restaurant on the waterfront) Things had been fine since Tuesday, but midway through the meal, I got the familiar nausea & dizziness and had to go to the bathroom. When we got home I called people to take care of worship the next morning. (10 hour notice instead of 20 minutes this time!)
Getting worship covered was one thing, but I was supposed to be officiating a wedding on Sunday afternoon. I called another pastor at the church and asked them to be ready to fill in for me. I was up much of the night feeling sick and unable to sleep. Three times I woke up so drenched with sweat I had to towel off and put a shirt down on the bed so I could lay on something dry. We have an air conditioner in our bedroom, so that was interesting.
Sunday, August 10
I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as terrible as ever. I really wanted to be there for this wedding since I had met with the couple and done the rehearsal with them. I started feeling slightly better mid morning and told them I would try and be there.
I did end up doing the wedding and it went fine, but I never did feel well through it all. The other pastor was there ready to play tag team officiant if needed. Might be fun to try someday.
By now it had become clear to all of us that it was time for me to be euthanized. Fortunately I talked my wife into giving it a go for a while longer.
I had my first real attack that was clearly anxiety. I took my daughter to Toys R Us to pick out a toy with her birthday money, and the moment the doors opened, I wanted to run back to the car & get home. What was the horrifying thing awaiting me behind the doors? Two girls at the customer service desk! (Cue 'who wants to be a millionaire' music)
This anxiety was totally irrational and had nothing to do with anything. That was the first time I realized that something was not right and it was more serious than bad leftovers.
We made it through the shopping trip, but I was very apprehensive and told my daughter that we might have to leave on short notice, so she had her standby toy picked out while we kept looking at other things.
At this point I still did not go see a doctor for anxiety because it was a small episode and I continued working throughout the week as normal.
Saturday night August 9
We had dinner with my parents at Anthony's Homeport (A nice restaurant on the waterfront) Things had been fine since Tuesday, but midway through the meal, I got the familiar nausea & dizziness and had to go to the bathroom. When we got home I called people to take care of worship the next morning. (10 hour notice instead of 20 minutes this time!)
Getting worship covered was one thing, but I was supposed to be officiating a wedding on Sunday afternoon. I called another pastor at the church and asked them to be ready to fill in for me. I was up much of the night feeling sick and unable to sleep. Three times I woke up so drenched with sweat I had to towel off and put a shirt down on the bed so I could lay on something dry. We have an air conditioner in our bedroom, so that was interesting.
Sunday, August 10
I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as terrible as ever. I really wanted to be there for this wedding since I had met with the couple and done the rehearsal with them. I started feeling slightly better mid morning and told them I would try and be there.
I did end up doing the wedding and it went fine, but I never did feel well through it all. The other pastor was there ready to play tag team officiant if needed. Might be fun to try someday.
By now it had become clear to all of us that it was time for me to be euthanized. Fortunately I talked my wife into giving it a go for a while longer.
Catching Up Part II
Skip a few days to Sunday morning August 3. I arrived at the church at 7:45AM for rehearsal. Everything went great and we spent some time joking around in between songs. I talked to a few people about how I had been sick for the concert and what unfortunate timing that had been.
As soon as people started showing up for church and the general chit-chat began, I started feeling nauseated and dizzy again. This was really bad timing since I was playing the piano & singing. I told some of the team how I was feeling but we had to get on with it.
During the music I felt so badly that I sat on a stool and tried to keep my head down. (Fortunately I wear a headset so that I don't have to stay in one spot) I was in real danger of fainting in front of everyone and began looking around for which direction I should go down if it came to that.
The nausea & dizziness were so strong that I had to go home and was not able to lead the next service. I felt terrible about this, as it forced the team to come up with a plan B and a new leader with new songs in about 20 minutes. There was a girl in the congregation that morning who plays piano and they grabbed the Jr. High pastor to sing.
Since I had been sick two weekends in a row, I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, August 4 to see a doctor. At this point anxiety had been raised as a possible explanation in conversation with people and I mentioned it to the doctor, but didn't have much to go on. If I had done even a minimal amount of research such as reading the anxiety page on Wikipedia I may have pushed that idea more strongly with the doctor.
He did a basic checkup and we did blood work and everything came out normal, so the idea was that perhaps it was a viral thing that re surged.
As soon as people started showing up for church and the general chit-chat began, I started feeling nauseated and dizzy again. This was really bad timing since I was playing the piano & singing. I told some of the team how I was feeling but we had to get on with it.
During the music I felt so badly that I sat on a stool and tried to keep my head down. (Fortunately I wear a headset so that I don't have to stay in one spot) I was in real danger of fainting in front of everyone and began looking around for which direction I should go down if it came to that.
The nausea & dizziness were so strong that I had to go home and was not able to lead the next service. I felt terrible about this, as it forced the team to come up with a plan B and a new leader with new songs in about 20 minutes. There was a girl in the congregation that morning who plays piano and they grabbed the Jr. High pastor to sing.
Since I had been sick two weekends in a row, I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, August 4 to see a doctor. At this point anxiety had been raised as a possible explanation in conversation with people and I mentioned it to the doctor, but didn't have much to go on. If I had done even a minimal amount of research such as reading the anxiety page on Wikipedia I may have pushed that idea more strongly with the doctor.
He did a basic checkup and we did blood work and everything came out normal, so the idea was that perhaps it was a viral thing that re surged.
Catching Up Part I
This whole thing has probably been building for some time, but it really first hit on July 27. I did a worship concert at New Life Church in Everett that evening. I was very nervous about it because it was the first time I've had people coming just to see ME. I'm used to being in front of people, but not used to being the reason the are there.
I've been playing in front of people in some capacity for 20 years now, so it is interesting that this event caused such distress for me. Some have suggested that perhaps I was experiencing some mild post traumatic stress since I used to be on staff at that church and had a very difficult year before I left. This was not my first time playing there since I left though; I have done a few memorial services there, plus attended a song writers group that met there and didn't have any issues.
The morning of the 27th started out fine. I lead worship at our church and made it through both services with no problems. During the sermon of the second service I began to feel nauseated and dizzy. I went outside and sat down thinking some fresh air would help. It did not help, and when service was released, people came streaming out of the doors and several people wanted to ask about the concert or other things, and this made it worse.
I became so nauseated that I retreated to a single bathroom and lay down on the floor. I was so sure I would throw up that I removed my shirt & shoes since I didn't have any other clothes with me. Fortunately I didn't throw up, but I did have diarrhea three times, which was special. I stayed in the bathroom for about 45 minutes before I felt like I would be able to drive home.
Once home I lay on the couch wondering if I would be able to do the concert or not. I ended up going, but never really felt better. During our afternoon rehearsal I felt fine (I have since found that video games or exercise can help distract from symptoms, since the nausea isn't legit) but I wasn't able to eat during dinner. My insides were in turmoil all day.
When it came time to do the concert, once again I was fine and made it through the evening with no more trouble. When I got home I still didn't feel great though, and stayed in bed through much of Monday. I felt good on tuesday, but stayed home from work on Wednesday the 30th. I had a haircut at 8AM that morning and began to feel sick towards the end of it.
At this point I had no clue that it was anxiety, or even that anxiety could cause these symptoms.
I've been playing in front of people in some capacity for 20 years now, so it is interesting that this event caused such distress for me. Some have suggested that perhaps I was experiencing some mild post traumatic stress since I used to be on staff at that church and had a very difficult year before I left. This was not my first time playing there since I left though; I have done a few memorial services there, plus attended a song writers group that met there and didn't have any issues.
The morning of the 27th started out fine. I lead worship at our church and made it through both services with no problems. During the sermon of the second service I began to feel nauseated and dizzy. I went outside and sat down thinking some fresh air would help. It did not help, and when service was released, people came streaming out of the doors and several people wanted to ask about the concert or other things, and this made it worse.
I became so nauseated that I retreated to a single bathroom and lay down on the floor. I was so sure I would throw up that I removed my shirt & shoes since I didn't have any other clothes with me. Fortunately I didn't throw up, but I did have diarrhea three times, which was special. I stayed in the bathroom for about 45 minutes before I felt like I would be able to drive home.
Once home I lay on the couch wondering if I would be able to do the concert or not. I ended up going, but never really felt better. During our afternoon rehearsal I felt fine (I have since found that video games or exercise can help distract from symptoms, since the nausea isn't legit) but I wasn't able to eat during dinner. My insides were in turmoil all day.
When it came time to do the concert, once again I was fine and made it through the evening with no more trouble. When I got home I still didn't feel great though, and stayed in bed through much of Monday. I felt good on tuesday, but stayed home from work on Wednesday the 30th. I had a haircut at 8AM that morning and began to feel sick towards the end of it.
At this point I had no clue that it was anxiety, or even that anxiety could cause these symptoms.
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