Last night I slept without taking anything to help me slip into oblivion and it sort of worked. I woke up a few times, but was able to fall back asleep quickly. The only downside to not taking a sleep aid is that I still woke up with a tumultuous stomach and didn't have much appetite in the morning.
I'm not sure why, but it seems that if I don't get solid sleep my nerves are more shaky the next day.
I've got some other news coming that may have something to do with my trouble falling asleep, but I'm going to leave it for another time when I'm less sleepy. I've had trouble falling asleep for as long as I can remember. In the last four years that I've had an iPod, I've used it every night to make my brain shut up, and that has worked well until the panic episodes began.
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Monday, September 15, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Coffee Is Yummy
I was talking with someone the other day about different ways of preparing coffee and was telling them about how fantastic my french press coffee is. (I'm very humble)
The trouble is that talking about it made me want one so bad that I had to drink some. I made one the next day and it was fantastic as usual. I'm doing so much better than I was a few weeks ago I think it hardly did anything to me, so that's good. I am 'over' coffee in the sense that I don't need it to avoid headaches in the morning, but it's good to know that I can enjoy a cup.
I'm still using trazodone to sleep at night, but I'm going to try without it and see what happens. It's kind of a scary drug, but it makes me extremely sleepy for six hours, so you don't wake up groggy. I learned that I need to take it when I'm almost in bed after my first experience with it. It makes me so dizzy that I had to pull myself up the stairs with the rail to keep from falling down. That is easily resolved by not taking it too early so it's not a big deal.
Anyway, I think I'll go make an Americano now before it gets too late in the afternoon and disrupts my old man style sleep habits.
Here's my favorite coffee for french press if you're interested. I know that Gevalia sends you annoying junk mail all the time but they actually have some good coffee. Try some and you'll join the "Starbucks is burnt" crowd.
And here's my new-ish grinder, which surprisingly made a noticeable difference in the quality of my coffee.
If you're not a computer person, here's your free tech tip for the week:
Hold CTRL (CMD on Mac) while you click the links and they will open in new tabs.
The trouble is that talking about it made me want one so bad that I had to drink some. I made one the next day and it was fantastic as usual. I'm doing so much better than I was a few weeks ago I think it hardly did anything to me, so that's good. I am 'over' coffee in the sense that I don't need it to avoid headaches in the morning, but it's good to know that I can enjoy a cup.
I'm still using trazodone to sleep at night, but I'm going to try without it and see what happens. It's kind of a scary drug, but it makes me extremely sleepy for six hours, so you don't wake up groggy. I learned that I need to take it when I'm almost in bed after my first experience with it. It makes me so dizzy that I had to pull myself up the stairs with the rail to keep from falling down. That is easily resolved by not taking it too early so it's not a big deal.
Anyway, I think I'll go make an Americano now before it gets too late in the afternoon and disrupts my old man style sleep habits.
Here's my favorite coffee for french press if you're interested. I know that Gevalia sends you annoying junk mail all the time but they actually have some good coffee. Try some and you'll join the "Starbucks is burnt" crowd.
And here's my new-ish grinder, which surprisingly made a noticeable difference in the quality of my coffee.
If you're not a computer person, here's your free tech tip for the week:
Hold CTRL (CMD on Mac) while you click the links and they will open in new tabs.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A Bigger Victory
I got 30 more Xanax yesterday, so there should be no more nonsense about staying awake all night for a while. I don't really feel good during the day unless I take it continuously, but I'm trying to just take it at night.
I haven't had any serious attacks during the day since I've been home, but I never got them at home before anyway. I have a continuous knot in my stomach & pressure in my chest which I can be distracted from if I'm concentrating on something but it never really goes away without medication.
I've been hoping I don't get depression along with the anxiety, but the medication (Celexa) treats both, so I guess it won't really matter. I don't 'feel' depressed but I have withdrawn from a lot of activity on Flickr.com, which is my main social outlet for fun, and I've been less motivated to process pictures, which is my main hobby. I'm even getting bored with Civilization IV, which used to keep me up to the wee hours of the morning :)
Uh-oh. Just checked the definition of depression: "Depression is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive low mood, and loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities"
At least I still enjoy sleep.
I haven't had any serious attacks during the day since I've been home, but I never got them at home before anyway. I have a continuous knot in my stomach & pressure in my chest which I can be distracted from if I'm concentrating on something but it never really goes away without medication.
I've been hoping I don't get depression along with the anxiety, but the medication (Celexa) treats both, so I guess it won't really matter. I don't 'feel' depressed but I have withdrawn from a lot of activity on Flickr.com, which is my main social outlet for fun, and I've been less motivated to process pictures, which is my main hobby. I'm even getting bored with Civilization IV, which used to keep me up to the wee hours of the morning :)
Uh-oh. Just checked the definition of depression: "Depression is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive low mood, and loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities"
At least I still enjoy sleep.
Monday, August 25, 2008
A Small Victory (?)
Yesterday (Sunday, August 24) I read some more of my book. It talked about first & second fears with anxiety. The first fear is a natural thing we all might feel when there is a loud noise or something like that. For an over sensitized person this fear immediately triggers a second fear, which is a fear of your symptoms. This causes more adrenaline to be released and makes your fear come true.
You are supposed to face your initial fear & symptoms and not be disconcerted by them. That is easier said than done but I managed to do it last night. The downside is that I only got a few hours of sleep. I successfully held off a full attack but wasn't able to rest. (And I kept my wife up with all my tossing and turning)
It's good to know that I can have some control over it without medication though. I haven't left the house since last Thursday and I still don't know if I could without Xanax, but hopefully things will be better soon.
I've never been one of those people who call a doctor just for drugs, but I put in a request today for more Xanax since I won't be seeing the doctor for 8 days. My first prescription was from the walk-in clinic, and they are very strict about no refills (for good reason) so I hope my doctor will approve it without having seen me.
You are supposed to face your initial fear & symptoms and not be disconcerted by them. That is easier said than done but I managed to do it last night. The downside is that I only got a few hours of sleep. I successfully held off a full attack but wasn't able to rest. (And I kept my wife up with all my tossing and turning)
It's good to know that I can have some control over it without medication though. I haven't left the house since last Thursday and I still don't know if I could without Xanax, but hopefully things will be better soon.
I've never been one of those people who call a doctor just for drugs, but I put in a request today for more Xanax since I won't be seeing the doctor for 8 days. My first prescription was from the walk-in clinic, and they are very strict about no refills (for good reason) so I hope my doctor will approve it without having seen me.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Two Terrible Nights In A Row
August 23
I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.
Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.
When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.
If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)
The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.
Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.
The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.
I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.
I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.
Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.
When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.
If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)
The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.
Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.
The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.
I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.
First 'Regular' Doctor Visit & Sleepless Night Without Xanax
Thursday, August 21
My doctor was still unavailable, but I got in to see someone so that we could get on with whatever needs to be done.
She told me to quit taking the Xanax except for emergencies and put me on Citalopram, (Celexa) which is a long term anti-depressant. The idea is that it builds up in your system and changes the way your brain handles serotonin levels over time, and then you wean off of it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help with anxiety for three to four weeks and one of the side affects can be increased anxiety, which will be the next post.
She also referred me to the part of the clinic that does counseling so I should expect a call soon.
Thursday Night, August 21
This was a really bad night. I ended up with a grand total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep. First night off the Xanax, and it didn't go so well. I'm used to being sedated plus the new stuff can cause sleep difficulties or sleepiness but apparently they don't know which. Anyhow I ended up being awake since 3:30 in the morning after going to bed around midnight.
At 3:30 when I woke up, my wife hadn't come to bed yet. She had been watching a show at her sister's house late that night so I was worried and went to check to see if her car was there. She was just wired and stayed up cleaning the house (just like I taught her) but the initial worry had triggered a fear response that kept adrenaline going in me for a while and I was never able to get back to sleep.
The plus side of no sleep is that I got some great shots of the sun rising over the lake this morning. They aren't ready yet, but be watching my flickr page around Christmas time when I get caught up on my pictures. My wife stayed up all night & wanted to exercise at Curves at 6:00 AM so we talked & watched the sun come up over the lake from 5AM to 6AM. We were both tired afterward, but we learned a valuable lesson about sleep. Actually not, but we were very tired.
My doctor was still unavailable, but I got in to see someone so that we could get on with whatever needs to be done.
She told me to quit taking the Xanax except for emergencies and put me on Citalopram, (Celexa) which is a long term anti-depressant. The idea is that it builds up in your system and changes the way your brain handles serotonin levels over time, and then you wean off of it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help with anxiety for three to four weeks and one of the side affects can be increased anxiety, which will be the next post.
She also referred me to the part of the clinic that does counseling so I should expect a call soon.
Thursday Night, August 21
This was a really bad night. I ended up with a grand total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep. First night off the Xanax, and it didn't go so well. I'm used to being sedated plus the new stuff can cause sleep difficulties or sleepiness but apparently they don't know which. Anyhow I ended up being awake since 3:30 in the morning after going to bed around midnight.
At 3:30 when I woke up, my wife hadn't come to bed yet. She had been watching a show at her sister's house late that night so I was worried and went to check to see if her car was there. She was just wired and stayed up cleaning the house (just like I taught her) but the initial worry had triggered a fear response that kept adrenaline going in me for a while and I was never able to get back to sleep.
The plus side of no sleep is that I got some great shots of the sun rising over the lake this morning. They aren't ready yet, but be watching my flickr page around Christmas time when I get caught up on my pictures. My wife stayed up all night & wanted to exercise at Curves at 6:00 AM so we talked & watched the sun come up over the lake from 5AM to 6AM. We were both tired afterward, but we learned a valuable lesson about sleep. Actually not, but we were very tired.
Another Weekend, Another Wedding
Friday, August 15
We had a wedding rehearsal for a ceremony I was photographing. The rehearsal lunch was at a local restaurant and my wife & I went together. A few minutes after we sat down I started to get those bad familiar feeling I had gotten at Anthony's. I didn't have any of the medicine with me (stupid) so we had to drive back to the church and get it, then go back to a cold lunch.
Unfortunately as soon as we finished eating, one of the grandma's there started seeming like she was going to faint or have a seizure. An ambulance came and picked her up. This was obviously a bigger deal for her than for me, but that added stress would have definitely put me over the edge without medication.
(btw she is fine - it was dehydration)
Saturday, August 16
Photographed the wedding on medication and it went well. Still a little mellow, but that's way better than being unavailable for such an important event. Once again I had a backup plan - a pro photographer who is a friend happened to have an empty Saturday because they were going out of town and was ready to be plan B.
Sunday, August 17
Because of my problems in the past weekends, this time I had already gotten someone to lead worship for me, and I was playing guitar in the band. Even with the Xanax, I still felt a brief moment of panic as all the people filed into the room, but this time I took steps to help myself. After rehearsal and in between services I hid out in my office so that I could just walk on stage without the chit-chat that had pushed me over the edge two weeks before.
We had a wedding rehearsal for a ceremony I was photographing. The rehearsal lunch was at a local restaurant and my wife & I went together. A few minutes after we sat down I started to get those bad familiar feeling I had gotten at Anthony's. I didn't have any of the medicine with me (stupid) so we had to drive back to the church and get it, then go back to a cold lunch.
Unfortunately as soon as we finished eating, one of the grandma's there started seeming like she was going to faint or have a seizure. An ambulance came and picked her up. This was obviously a bigger deal for her than for me, but that added stress would have definitely put me over the edge without medication.
(btw she is fine - it was dehydration)
Saturday, August 16
Photographed the wedding on medication and it went well. Still a little mellow, but that's way better than being unavailable for such an important event. Once again I had a backup plan - a pro photographer who is a friend happened to have an empty Saturday because they were going out of town and was ready to be plan B.
Sunday, August 17
Because of my problems in the past weekends, this time I had already gotten someone to lead worship for me, and I was playing guitar in the band. Even with the Xanax, I still felt a brief moment of panic as all the people filed into the room, but this time I took steps to help myself. After rehearsal and in between services I hid out in my office so that I could just walk on stage without the chit-chat that had pushed me over the edge two weeks before.
First Doctor Visit for Anxiety
Tuesday, August 12
This was a terrible morning. I had finally realized that this thing wasn't going away and it had rendered me unable to do the most important part of my job. I broke down crying for the first time. Not in despair, but the significance of everything was weighing on me.
I had a piano lesson in my home that morning for a friend of my wife's, but wasn't in any shape to do it. They went out for coffee and came back an hour later and we got through it fine.
After that I went to the walk-in clinic again, this time specifically for anxiety. (My doctor was unavailable for several weeks) I was still an emotional wreck and broke down again while the poor nurse was asking me questions. (She gave me a hug & offered to bring some juice though:))
I saw a different doctor, told him the cliff notes of my previous posts and he prescribed Xanax to calm me down. (0.5mg three times a day as needed)
Xanax
I took my first Xanax that evening. We had someone coming over and I was feeling edgy & wanted to avoid getting sick again. It was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in some time. (I know you shouldn't say that about drugs, but truth is truth) For the first time in memory, I was at total peace. The nervousness in my stomach went away and I was able to eat dinner & watch a movie and feel good. It did have the side effect of making me very mellow, but for the time being it was a good tradeoff.
I was able to get through the rest of the week fine with the medication. I tried not to take it three times a day since it said 'as needed', but as the weekend approached it became clear that I did need three a day to function normally.
This was a terrible morning. I had finally realized that this thing wasn't going away and it had rendered me unable to do the most important part of my job. I broke down crying for the first time. Not in despair, but the significance of everything was weighing on me.
I had a piano lesson in my home that morning for a friend of my wife's, but wasn't in any shape to do it. They went out for coffee and came back an hour later and we got through it fine.
After that I went to the walk-in clinic again, this time specifically for anxiety. (My doctor was unavailable for several weeks) I was still an emotional wreck and broke down again while the poor nurse was asking me questions. (She gave me a hug & offered to bring some juice though:))
I saw a different doctor, told him the cliff notes of my previous posts and he prescribed Xanax to calm me down. (0.5mg three times a day as needed)
Xanax
I took my first Xanax that evening. We had someone coming over and I was feeling edgy & wanted to avoid getting sick again. It was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in some time. (I know you shouldn't say that about drugs, but truth is truth) For the first time in memory, I was at total peace. The nervousness in my stomach went away and I was able to eat dinner & watch a movie and feel good. It did have the side effect of making me very mellow, but for the time being it was a good tradeoff.
I was able to get through the rest of the week fine with the medication. I tried not to take it three times a day since it said 'as needed', but as the weekend approached it became clear that I did need three a day to function normally.
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