New Direction

Friday, September 5

Yesterday morning I saw a psychologist at the Everett Clinic. They gave me the option of the Everett Marina office or Marysville. I told them that if I had to go sit in a box in Marysville, they could add depression to my list of ailments. (I lived there for five years so I can say that)

This office was right on the water and had a view of the docks & ocean. I was officially diagnosed with something, but it had letters on the end and I don't remember what it was. The important thing is that my insurance will pony up the $300 bill only if I am diagnosed with certain conditions.

She said my attacks can be classified as panic attacks. I've always said anxiety because it sounds nicer, but panic is a much better word for people who haven't experienced it. Your body is going into overdrive to protect from some perceived danger - fight or flight response is triggered and it can happen out of a dead sleep. Fortunately I've only experienced that once.

Anyhow, she was concerned about me taking too much time off work, and wants me to get out in public often. She said one of the best treatments for this (besides drugs, which should start helping me in about two weeks) is exposure. (Plus the other stuff I posted earlier about not fearing your symptoms) She told me to go to restaurants and go shopping and be out where I think I might have an attack. If I have an attack at the grocery store, she says keep shopping and try to ignore it. Many people take a brisk walk outside when an attack is coming on and that stops it. I totally intended to follow up on that, but I went home and played Bioshock for much of the day. And there was much rejoicing.

The only bummer that morning was that I started having an attack right before I saw the psycholosgist, so I was taking a pill just as she came out to call me back.

I really wish I could trade the nausea for one of the other possible panic symptoms. There's trembling, sweaty palms, even headache might be a step up. I feel so sick and want to lay down so bad when it hits, but I have to try to exercise or keep doing what I'm doing if I want the attack to pass quickly.

I went with a friend this evening down to Lynnwood (about 25 minutes away) for dinner at Claimjumpers, which was fantastic, and we stopped at a couple stores on the way home to compare prices for his business. I was a little nervous on the way down, but did fine and made it home without event. I know that sounds silly, but these things can strike hard & fast without warning. Case in point: An attack hit me just before I got to see the psychologist yesterday morning. It was escalating so quickly that I wimped out and took a Xanax because I wanted to be able to pay attention to what she said.

I just blanked out, so I guess that's the end of the story of how I spent my summer vacation.