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Saturday, October 11I'm mostly posting this to keep track of the timeline of events. I successfully fought off a panic attack yesterday afternoon before I left for counseling, and I had another one starting this morning when I woke up. Yesterday I suddenly started feeling sick after lunch. I thought 'what a bad time to get sick - I have counseling today, and I'm playing on Sunday'. Then I realized that it probably wasn't real sickness. I walked around and did breathing exercises and it went away within 10 minutes.This morning one of my lessons canceled so I had time to take a walk outside, where it was in the low 40's. The cool air and exercise helped, but I'm still not feeling normal. At least I know I can head off an attack without drugs. That's good, but I would rather not have anymore at all. I'm going to dial back some of my activities because my counselor helped me realize that while I'm 'not working' I am going to the church four days a week.
My last panic attack (according to my writings) was September 5. Going over a month without any was encouraging. Since this thing starts out as an upset stomach, I wonder how many sick days I took last year that were actually mild panic episodes. I felt nauseated too often to be normal and would stay home from work, only to find that by the afternoon I felt great. Now I know I can power through it and get going anyway. Hopefully that helps me do better this year.
Friday, September 5
Yesterday morning I saw a psychologist at the Everett Clinic. They gave me the option of the Everett Marina office or Marysville. I told them that if I had to go sit in a box in Marysville, they could add depression to my list of ailments. (I lived there for five years so I can say that)
This office was right on the water and had a view of the docks & ocean. I was officially diagnosed with something, but it had letters on the end and I don't remember what it was. The important thing is that my insurance will pony up the $300 bill only if I am diagnosed with certain conditions.
She said my attacks can be classified as panic attacks. I've always said anxiety because it sounds nicer, but panic is a much better word for people who haven't experienced it. Your body is going into overdrive to protect from some perceived danger - fight or flight response is triggered and it can happen out of a dead sleep. Fortunately I've only experienced that once.
Anyhow, she was concerned about me taking too much time off work, and wants me to get out in public often. She said one of the best treatments for this (besides drugs, which should start helping me in about two weeks) is exposure. (Plus the other stuff I posted earlier about not fearing your symptoms) She told me to go to restaurants and go shopping and be out where I think I might have an attack. If I have an attack at the grocery store, she says keep shopping and try to ignore it. Many people take a brisk walk outside when an attack is coming on and that stops it. I totally intended to follow up on that, but I went home and played Bioshock for much of the day. And there was much rejoicing.
The only bummer that morning was that I started having an attack right before I saw the psycholosgist, so I was taking a pill just as she came out to call me back.
I really wish I could trade the nausea for one of the other possible panic symptoms. There's trembling, sweaty palms, even headache might be a step up. I feel so sick and want to lay down so bad when it hits, but I have to try to exercise or keep doing what I'm doing if I want the attack to pass quickly.
I went with a friend this evening down to Lynnwood (about 25 minutes away) for dinner at Claimjumpers, which was fantastic, and we stopped at a couple stores on the way home to compare prices for his business. I was a little nervous on the way down, but did fine and made it home without event. I know that sounds silly, but these things can strike hard & fast without warning. Case in point: An attack hit me just before I got to see the psychologist yesterday morning. It was escalating so quickly that I wimped out and took a Xanax because I wanted to be able to pay attention to what she said.
I just blanked out, so I guess that's the end of the story of how I spent my summer vacation.
OK I'm just having fun with titles here, but after finding arbitrary titles for hundreds (or thousands) of images on flickr I naturally think that way.
The title isn't totally off though.
Tuesday, August 26
I got a good nights sleep and woke up with the familiar knot in my stomach & chest, but it wasn't unbearable so I didn't take anything. We had someone over for dinner, and during the meal I started to feel nausea & chest tension coming on so I took a Xanax. (So far my plan to take it only at night has worked zero times)
Later, we were watching Prison Break on DVD and I took a bathroom break. While I was in there I got hit with a sudden burst of nausea, hot flash & dizziness. The same feeling I get right before vomiting. This was an instant onset of attack without me even having a chance to face it & accept it & all that.
I wasn't able to finish watching the show and had to go to bed so I could concentrate on not being afraid of my symptoms. Sounds crazy, but that is the way to get permanently better if you keep it up according to the book I'm reading. It does work to hold off further attack, but it came on so severe and suddenly that there wasn't much I could do to help myself. At 10 PM I took another Xanax and was able to sleep through the night. (Well I woke up at 4:00 for a bathroom break, but was able to get right back to sleep instead of watching another sunrise)
This is the first time I've actually had an attack while on Xanax. That is very disconcerting because I thought that Xanax was my magic bullet I could rely on when I need to go out. I have a counselling consultation Friday evening so hopefully I won't be feeling sick the whole time. There's nothing like dredging up garbage from the past while you feel like you're about to hurl!
I'm wondering if the tenseness of the show encouraged my attack, although I felt early symptoms during dinner. I was able to relax more once I quit watching it, but the nausea never left.
Wednesday, August 27
This morning I woke up and ate a little, but still felt so sick that I took a Xanax after being up for an hour. Again, I still felt attacks coming on while it was in my system and had to keep the kids away from me or quiet because the activity made it worse. I talked to one of my flickr friends who has been through a lot of similar (but worse) experiences and he said that Xanax can stop being as effective after taking it continuously. I haven't been taking it that long so hopefully that isn't happening already.
The good side of this is that all of my pants are way too big for me now, as they should be since I've been running 10-15 pounds overweight for some time and have had to buy bigger pants in the last couple years. The bad side is I have to wear a belt all the time. (I know, call the wahmbulance.)
Other than that, I basically wasted the entire day trying (unsuccessfully) to jailbreak my iPod Touch 2.0 firmware The hack apps aren't quite ready for prime time I guess. I also just realized that Firefox's built in auto-spellchecker doesn't work in the window where I write this stuff, so previous posts haven't been checked for spelling. I am gud spelur without it aniway.
Yesterday (Sunday, August 24) I read some more of my book. It talked about first & second fears with anxiety. The first fear is a natural thing we all might feel when there is a loud noise or something like that. For an over sensitized person this fear immediately triggers a second fear, which is a fear of your symptoms. This causes more adrenaline to be released and makes your fear come true.You are supposed to face your initial fear & symptoms and not be disconcerted by them. That is easier said than done but I managed to do it last night. The downside is that I only got a few hours of sleep. I successfully held off a full attack but wasn't able to rest. (And I kept my wife up with all my tossing and turning)It's good to know that I can have some control over it without medication though. I haven't left the house since last Thursday and I still don't know if I could without Xanax, but hopefully things will be better soon.I've never been one of those people who call a doctor just for drugs, but I put in a request today for more Xanax since I won't be seeing the doctor for 8 days. My first prescription was from the walk-in clinic, and they are very strict about no refills (for good reason) so I hope my doctor will approve it without having seen me.
August 23
I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.
Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.
When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.
If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)
The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.
Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.
The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.
I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.
Skip a few days to Sunday morning August 3. I arrived at the church at 7:45AM for rehearsal. Everything went great and we spent some time joking around in between songs. I talked to a few people about how I had been sick for the concert and what unfortunate timing that had been.
As soon as people started showing up for church and the general chit-chat began, I started feeling nauseated and dizzy again. This was really bad timing since I was playing the piano & singing. I told some of the team how I was feeling but we had to get on with it.
During the music I felt so badly that I sat on a stool and tried to keep my head down. (Fortunately I wear a headset so that I don't have to stay in one spot) I was in real danger of fainting in front of everyone and began looking around for which direction I should go down if it came to that.
The nausea & dizziness were so strong that I had to go home and was not able to lead the next service. I felt terrible about this, as it forced the team to come up with a plan B and a new leader with new songs in about 20 minutes. There was a girl in the congregation that morning who plays piano and they grabbed the Jr. High pastor to sing.
Since I had been sick two weekends in a row, I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, August 4 to see a doctor. At this point anxiety had been raised as a possible explanation in conversation with people and I mentioned it to the doctor, but didn't have much to go on. If I had done even a minimal amount of research such as reading the anxiety page on Wikipedia I may have pushed that idea more strongly with the doctor.
He did a basic checkup and we did blood work and everything came out normal, so the idea was that perhaps it was a viral thing that re surged.
This whole thing has probably been building for some time, but it really first hit on July 27. I did a worship concert at New Life Church in Everett that evening. I was very nervous about it because it was the first time I've had people coming just to see ME. I'm used to being in front of people, but not used to being the reason the are there.
I've been playing in front of people in some capacity for 20 years now, so it is interesting that this event caused such distress for me. Some have suggested that perhaps I was experiencing some mild post traumatic stress since I used to be on staff at that church and had a very difficult year before I left. This was not my first time playing there since I left though; I have done a few memorial services there, plus attended a song writers group that met there and didn't have any issues.
The morning of the 27th started out fine. I lead worship at our church and made it through both services with no problems. During the sermon of the second service I began to feel nauseated and dizzy. I went outside and sat down thinking some fresh air would help. It did not help, and when service was released, people came streaming out of the doors and several people wanted to ask about the concert or other things, and this made it worse.
I became so nauseated that I retreated to a single bathroom and lay down on the floor. I was so sure I would throw up that I removed my shirt & shoes since I didn't have any other clothes with me. Fortunately I didn't throw up, but I did have diarrhea three times, which was special. I stayed in the bathroom for about 45 minutes before I felt like I would be able to drive home.
Once home I lay on the couch wondering if I would be able to do the concert or not. I ended up going, but never really felt better. During our afternoon rehearsal I felt fine (I have since found that video games or exercise can help distract from symptoms, since the nausea isn't legit) but I wasn't able to eat during dinner. My insides were in turmoil all day.
When it came time to do the concert, once again I was fine and made it through the evening with no more trouble. When I got home I still didn't feel great though, and stayed in bed through much of Monday. I felt good on tuesday, but stayed home from work on Wednesday the 30th. I had a haircut at 8AM that morning and began to feel sick towards the end of it.
At this point I had no clue that it was anxiety, or even that anxiety could cause these symptoms.
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