Trouble with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool'.

OK so that title is meaningless, but you have to write something. My condition has deteriorated a bit lately so I wanted to get a post in for time line purposes again.

In the past few weeks I have noticed increased anxiety, but nothing too serious. There have been a couple days I have gone home early or stayed home due to feeling sick, and it took me a while to recognize what was going on. At first there didn't seem to be any reason for my anxiety issues, but then I finally realized that we are having a baby soon and that's kind of a big deal. I'm not consciously nervous about having another child, I think it's just the whole unknown of delivery timing & circumstances and hoping everything goes well. We are down to the wire here, so it could be time to head in to the hospital any time. Leigha's contractions got as close as three minutes apart for a time last night, but then died down.

A few things happened that led to a full fledged panic attack today unfortunately (Sunday 6-28-09). Friday night I decided to try & sleep without trazodone so that I would be alert enough to drive right away if we have to leave during the night. I have actually been meaning to try sleeping without it for a while anyway but haven't gotten around to doing it. (guaranteed sleep is always much more appealing than probable sleep). I thought that the medicine was only helping me go to sleep, but it turns out that it also keeps me sleeping through the night. Friday night was a terrible night's sleep, and I had the old kind of anxiety in my chest that I haven't felt in months. I woke up several times with frustrating dreams, clenched jaw, and adrenaline in my chest. That feeling stayed with me through much of Saturday as well.

Coinciding with this were two pieces of bad news that sent me over the edge. We found out Friday morning that my dad had accidentally overdosed on his medication and had been taken to the hospital. He was released later that morning, but the issue was that he was getting confused and wasn't able to keep track of when he took the medicine. On Saturday morning I got a call saying that he was being taken into the psychiatric ward because the confusion had gotten to a point that required professional help. This has happened to my dad before and he's come out okay, but mental issues are never easy to diagnose, and there's no guarantee of 'fixing' things.

Last night I took a half xanax to help me sleep (0.25mg - not much) and woke up at 3:30AM with bad things rising in my chest & took the other half. I played keys for two services at church this morning so another .25mb of xanax got me through that. I'm glad I made it through both services okay, but it was close. I had such bad chills at reherasal that I layed on my office floor with a heater blowing on my until service started. (If you know me, you will know that is very out of character - I have my own fan on stage that is always on) Anyway, I made it home, collapsed in bed and got a nap, but the full panic attack did hit by that time. Fortunately after a few hours I started feeling closer to normal and I haven't taken any more xanax since early morning.

This post may be a bit more scattered than some of my other ones, but I don't have the energy to proofread & edit this time.

Things I've Learned From Peeing In A Bottle

[For better or worse, I'm getting back to my old self. In case you don't know me, this post falls into the 'normal' category for my personality, therefore this blog is about to get a lot more awesome.]

1. Turn The Fan On. Urine isn't so bad when you're dispensing it into a bowl of water that is either several feet from your nose or covered by your rump. It doesn't get nicer with proximity.
2. Grip The Bottle More Tightly Than You Need To. You're holding it with one hand, and are about to make it heavier. This has taken me a surprisingly long time to learn, but I haven't dropped one yet.
3. Give Your Bottle A Rinse Once In A While. It gets a bit stanky after a few refills. At least that's what I would guess. I wouldn't know...
4. Clearly Label The Bottle. Peeing into an opaque (or lemonade) bottle without marking it as nasty is just wrong.
5. Jugs Won't Work - Only Bottles. Okay that's not true, but come on. You need a jug? Really?
6. Girls Can Do It Too! www.go-girl.com. (Okay, I didn't actually learn that one from experience - it's more of a public service announcement.)
7. Use The Bottle Capture Method Only When Necessary. I'm using my special bottled liquid to let our pet mole know that I want to eat him, and he believes it. Pour a good amount down the hole and that route won't be taken again.
8. Consider Alternate Uses. Urine in a bottle frightens moles and children alike. Who knows what other amazing things this wonder liquid could accomplish!
9. There is no #9.
10. If you have money to spare on mole-killing products, do that instead. I'm using pee-pee because it's free and I'm man enough to deal with the bottle smell.
    

Abandoned Blog (Wish I could say I'm sorry!)

I may have been premature in saying that this blog would no longer be about anxiety. I've had a few issues since my last posting, serious enough that I've taken Xanax a few times, but mostly I'm doing well. I haven't written in a long time because I just haven't felt like it! Part of my recovery process has been letting go of things and not being ruled by compulsions that I couldn't ignore before. For example, the fact that I have a blog dictates that I should update it regularly, or lose all of my readers. In the beginning, this blog was mostly for myself - a way to organize my thoughts and keep track of timeline. In the past few months I've been busy focusing on other things and haven't felt the need to write, nor have I felt bad about not writing. If anyone is still reading, in future posts I will discuss some of the side effects of the SSRI medication (Celexa) that I'm currently taking. My doctor didn't volunteer a lot info on the subject, so it might be helpful for others. If you have questions about any medication or side effects, you should ask your pharmacist (or any random pharmacist) about it first since they are much more up to date on effects and interactions anyway. Doctors have to keep up with too wide a field of knowlege to constantly remain experts on medications.

(a)Bout With Laziness

(photo by my flickr friend Jim Skea in Brazil - Check out his stuff)

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I've been busy with returning to work, and partly because I wanted to spend my free time doing other things. (I am careful about what I write and proofread & adjust each post, so it takes more time than you might think.) Since resuming work, I'm being much more cautious with my free time as well as making sure I get enough sleep each night. (That's the plan anyway)

The transition back to work has been great. It's good to get back into a daily routine that involves something other than being sick & wasting time on flickr. I've had a few minor issues with anxiety, but nothing showstopping. I'm coping with stress much better than I used to as well as being much more sensitive to how my body is doing. Focusing on staying calm where I would have normally tensed up is helping me live a better life.

I will still update this blog periodically, but it won't be a record of panic attacks anymore. If you want to keep up with the blog and not have to remember to check the page, you should subscribe so that it comes to you. I recommend you use Google Reader, which I use to keep tabs on about 60 sites without ever having to visit them. Once you use it, you'll wonder how you lived without it. Another easy choice is your google home page if you use that.

Under the 'subscribe' heading on the right; click the 'posts' dropdown and choose what you want to use. I will probably write an entire post about this at some point because I've heard from several people that you check the page by clicking a bookmark and I know you'll give up if it never updates.

The Most Wonderful Time...

I haven't written any updates for a while because there hasn't been much to report. I've been doing well, although there have been some minor issues at times. I'm still not able to sleep without trazodone, (tried it one night and gave up at 1:00 AM after being wide awake the whole time.) but that is easily remedied by continuing to take it every night.

We had a great Christmas, although I would have preferred a bit more sleep. I woke up at 6AM (right when the trazodone wore off) and was unable to fall back asleep. That actually turned out to be a good thing, as I was able to set up photography & video equipment, set the table and dig out the presents so everything was ready to go. Plus I had some much coveted alone time with some French press coffee and Google Reader. The kids were still asleep at 8:45 AM, so I took my guitar into their room and loudly sang 'Joy to the World' until they got up. We had Belgian waffles & sausage for breakfast along with some more coffee.

The kids got all sorts of space-taking items, so it was fortuitous that we spent Christmas Eve cleaning their bedroom & re-discovering the floor. This is the only year in the last 15 or so that I haven't led Christmas Eve services at church, and it was an amazing difference. Instead of being strung out and not wanting to be around people on Christmas, I was able to really enjoy the day and even cleaned the gift aftermath & vacuumed! Usually I'm in a sort of zombie state on Christmas.

By early evening I was starting to slow down a bit, and I was craving good coffee again, so I had another cup of French press brew. (You see where this is going, right?) Unfortunately between the time I decided to have some and the time I actually got around to making it, another hour had elapsed, filled with "Dad, can you open this?" "Dad, this doesn't work!" "Dad...", etc. I had my coffee around 5PM, which is a bad idea on any day, but it was Christmas and my mom wasn't there to tell me no.

By the time we got the kids into bed, Leigha wasn't feeling well and went to bed as well. (Did I mention she's pregnant? Well she is, and I did it on purpose.) I was anxious to start going through the pictures from the day, and got started looking through them. My stomach had not been feeling very well, but I thought it was too much Christmas cookies and that sort of thing. As I started processing images, my stomach suddenly took a turn for the worse and for a moment I thought I might throw up. Then I realized that this was a familiar (albeit unwelcome) feeling and that I was having a panic attack. It was severe enough that my first thought was to run and get some Xanax, but then I remembered to exercise & try to make it pass. I did some aerobic exercise until I became dangerously dizzy, then laid down and did breathing exercises to calm down. It did help, but not enough.

I told my wife I was having a panic attack and she asked "Why?". I hadn't thought about the reason, but as soon as she asked I realized that it was almost certainly from overdoing caffeinated coffee. I do have caffeinated coffee once in a while and do fine, but three sessions of strong coffee was really stupid. It's hard to adjust to the fact that I'm not like I used to be. In the past I could consume a lot of caffeine and be okay, but now my body can only handle small amounts. I realize that this is in fact better for me, but it's still difficult to get used to. I ended up taking half a Xanax later on because I wasn't able to calm down enough. Anyhow, I was able to finish processing most of the Christmas pictures and then slept like a rock.

Lesson learned.

Fail Part I

In the last year or so I've been using WIN or FAIL to pass judgment on situations, achievements, etc. It has become sort of a web meme to mark reviews of bad products with 'FAIL' or paste it over photos on a story of some business or personal public screw-up.

With our country so wrapped up in relativism and some interests pushing the concept of 'best effort = good enough' in public schools, the fail blog is a breath of fresh air to me. I find it amusing to categorize things around me into win or fail, but usually keep my thoughts to myself for obvious reasons. So as not to be hypocritical, I also apply these judgments to myself as well. For a good lesson in what to avoid in life, check out the Fail Blog - there's no end to the amusement :)

In an effort to bring you the sort of hard-hitting and honest coverage you've come to expect from my writings, I submit to you some of my favorite videos from the fail blog below.
(FYI - I've just gone through 39 pages of the blog and some of the posts are not G rated. They do offer a G rating link though.)

Some Sort Of Update

I guess I should post something since the last post wasn't very hopeful. I've been doing fairly well since the whole falling-on-my-neck episode. I still have ups & downs but overall things have been good. I'm keeping busy with photography and being the worlds greatest husband & father. Other than that, not too much is going on. (I suppose photography should have been second in the list; now you're on to me!)

The above shot is of my step-brother Eric's car. We spent a few hours shooting in Bellevue & Seattle on Sunday. This one was taken at Alki Point, overlooking Seattle across the water. Unfortunately it was so foggy that we couldn't see anything at all except the people smooching in the next car over, so I went with a dark look to match the fog.

(Blogger lops off half the image for some reason and I can't bring myself to care enough to fiddle with it - click to see the whole thing)

I've fallen and I can't get up!

The week after my last post was great - I felt completely normal and was able to be a lot more active. Unfortunately I started having trouble again, possibly because of all the activity.

Yesterday (Thursday, Nov 13) was my crowning achievement so far. I woke up with symptoms of a panic attack already beginning, and tried to get rid of them by doing exercise and breathing techniques. (As a reminder, my main symptoms are nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, and tightness in my chest) On top of that I was extremely tired (after just waking up), so I laid back down to hopefully sleep it off. Then I had liquid poo four times in a row, which kind of disrupted that plan. I would lay down in bed and have to get right back up again. I took some Imodium to stop the pattern when a fifth trip to the bathroom seemed imminent and laid back down.

My feelings of nausea & dizziness were continuing to get worse so I finally decided to go take a Xanax. For reasons of laziness I have never moved the bottle from its first resting place by my car keys, which is downstairs. I went down to get the pill, tried to cut one in half to see if that was enough, but cut it unevenly because I was getting worse quickly & couldn't focus. I swallowed it and headed back upstairs.

On the way up, I started having a hot flash and increased dizziness and thought I was about to vomit. I knew we had a large bowl in the kids room from when one of them was sick last week but my feelings were so strong I had to head straight for the bathroom. As I stood there facing the toilet I had just befouled with four bouts of the runs, the head & dizziness became really overwhelming.

I was in this black void of nothingness and heard Leigha shouting my name. I opened my eyes to find that I was on my back with my neck resting uncomfortably against the metal bar of a magazine rack, and she was trying to get the door open, which was blocked by my body. It took me a moment to figure out that I had passed out. Coming back from that is scary, because you're definitely not sleeping - you're nowhere. My ears had this loud whirring sound in them like machinery and I began to grow more aware of my surroundings. I couldn't move at first, but after a while I scooted sideways to get my neck off that bar and let Leigha open the door. It was a very emotional experience, because Leigha thought I was dead for a few moments. I was out for about 90 seconds and started out snoring, but then she said I made gurgling sounds and stopped breathing. That was probably about the time I woke up to her shouting at me. I feel terrible for her to have to go through that. We're too young for these types of scares!

I spent the entire rest of the day yesterday in bed, mostly sleeping. I tried doing some reading online & did a bit of flickring but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes focused on the screen. I got up for about an hour at 7 pm and then went to bed for the night. I woke up at 8:00 this morning and still feel like sleeping. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I'm seeing the doctor today at noon. I had two pieces of toast and a small bit of barbecue pork yesterday, and today I'm still not feeling hungry. I had a piece of toast this morning, but wished I hadn't. Hopefully I don't actually have the flu in addition to everything else. My stomach is better today than yesterday, but still not normal. My mom brought me some Gatorade last night, so I've been keeping my fluids at least. The nurse from the doctors office said that one possible cause of fainting could be not getting enough fluids after my bathroom escapades.

My neck hurts very badly today, but I think it is all bruising and nothing more serious. I have full range of motion, and no more grinding & popping than I did before I fell. Fortunately I seem to have landed to the left of my vertebrae and not right on them. At least I didn't fall forward; That toilet has seen better times :) I have some bruising on my right arm, probably from hitting the door knob, and I have a painful swollen area on the side of my tongue, probably from biting as I fell, but other than that no problems that I can detect. Hopefully my neck will just be bruised and in that case I think I'm getting off a lot easier than I could have from this thing.

At the doctor we're going to check for low blood pressure, which can be caused by Celexa and see if they've got any other ideas. Hopefully we don't have any more of this type of excitement in the future. One thing I've learned is that my physical response when I'm about to throw up or about to faint are the same. I'll have to make the call whether to get over the toilet or lay on my back with my feet up.


**Update** (2pm same day)
I saw my doctor and he didn't seem too concerned about me passing out or that I had behavior similar to a seizure. (That's common with a vasovagal response I guess.) I do have low blood pressure so they took some blood to see if there is anything else we should be looking at. He doubts that the low blood pressure is from the Celexa. The only bad thing left is that I still just want to sleep all day, which I did yesterday. I finally broke my toast only fast with some BBQ pork ribs, so at least my stomach is feeling better :)

Unfortunately my neck is still growing more sore. It hurts from the base of my skull to the top of my shoulder blade. I had the doctor check that out and it seems like it's just bruising, so I'll take this pain over what could have happened any day.

Taking It Easy

Not much to report in the last couple weeks. I've toned down activity since the last time I posted, which has helped me to be pretty stable. I just upped my medication as well since I should be feeling normal by now and I'm not. I do fine going out to a store or restaurant. It no longer occurs to me that I might not do well - it's just normal again. Doing things like music lessons, where it's responsibility on me seems to bother me for some reason, but it's nothing I can't deal with.

That last setback I had (lasting about 10 days) was pretty discouraging at first, but I read something that helped a lot. I'll type the end of the chapter here because it could apply to other situations as well. The book is here.

===============================================

Ups And Downs

The road to recovery is beset with many temporary failures. It is like traveling across the foothills toward the mountains. You travel downhill so often that it is difficult to realize that, in spite of this, you are still climbing. This up and down aspect of recovery is exhausting and frustrating. I remember one young man saying, "I'm tired of being up on minute and down the next. I'd almost rather stay down all the time and be done with it!"

It is true that just when you think you have turned the corner and are feeling well, you can have one of your worst setbacks. You can waste much energy trying to discovery why this happens. A patient will say, "I had a wonderful week last week, Doctor, the best yet, and then on Saturday and Sunday I felt terrible, as bad as ever. How is this possible?"

Do Not Measure Progress Day by Day

It may have been some trivial event that drew him back, but is it so important to find out? Strangely enough, it always seems so to the sufferer. Actually, it is important only to realize that tomorrow is another day and could be the best yet, however upsetting yesterday or today may have been. Do not measure your progress day by day. Looking forward hopefully with confidence is tremendous help. It draws you past the yesterdays, past today, past the tomorrows until you find recovery.

The slipping-back process is easy to understand. The past holds so many fearful memories for the person who has had a nervous illness that even a slight setback will find a host of them ready to engulf him. It takes time to dull these memories; but after he has pulled himself out of a few such reverses he despairs less readily, and confidence grows from each experience. When you have achieved confidence by your own effort, nothing can take it away again. No future defeat can quite destroy it. It may seem in moments of despair that it has gone, but the memory of past successes, however small, gives you the courage to try again, and so defeat is defeated.

So, recognize that:

• Confidence is born by going on despite defeat.
• In spite of ups and downs on the road to recovery, the main direction is upward.
• Confidence learned from your own experience will never leave you completely.

Fire Escape Plan

I had to share this - Isabelle's homework assignment cracked me up. My favorite is the person next to the fire saying "oh no".

(click the picture to go to the photo page - there is a link to view it large)

Man Vs. Computer

I'm trying out a video editing program for the first time in years, and it could have gone better. I spent a good portion of the day figuring out how to make a slideshow behave how I want it to. When I went to burn it, the computer blue-screened and re-booted. This had also happened the other day when I burned an mp3 disc using iTunes, so I suspected something other than the program.

I had just rebuilt the system from scratch a few days ago, but I did install Windows XP service pack 3 against my better judgment. It made setup faster, but I've had several blue screens of death with the exact same hardware & software that has been running great for over a year. Anyhow, I rebooted and tried again, with the same result.

One more reboot, and I uninstalled a drive emulation tool to see if that helped. I went to open my video project and it was corrupted! Fortunately most of the day was spent figuring out how to use the program, not actually making the show so I was able to reconstruct the video in about an hour. Burned with a different drive and it worked.

So here it is in all of it's low quality YouTube goodness. This is a slideshow of my Grandmother's memorial and burial service. Just still photos, but I've got a hankering for a DV cam now. Expanding expensive hobbies is always good, right?

Badness

I haven't been doing so well for nine days now. I haven't had a full attack, but I've had to fight a few off. Almost every day I have to do breathing exercises to keep nausea away. One night lying in bed I got a sudden stab of adrenaline in my chest like I used to get in the first few weeks of all this. Fortunately I was able to keep that from going further.

This could be good in a way because I've begun to gain back that weight I lost at the beginning of this, and now my appetite is down again. I suppose I could exercise self discipline with eating, but that's downright un-American!

This part written for no reason whatsoever:
I took Isabelle to Starbucks this morning for a date. Since I can't do caffeine I've been getting decaf drinks, but I wanted to try their new signature hot chocolate. It is so rich that it could be a meal. I had to throw half of it away and Isabelle thought it was repulsive. (To be fair, she's not a big hot chocolate fan) I thought it was good, but at 420 calories for a 12 ounce drink, that's about a quarter of what you should consume in a day. Something to keep in mind. Just in case that wasn't enough, I also had the 500 calorie sausage & egg piadini. Fortunately we only go to Starbucks every couple weeks.

Relapse

Saturday, October 11

I'm mostly posting this to keep track of the timeline of events. I successfully fought off a panic attack yesterday afternoon before I left for counseling, and I had another one starting this morning when I woke up.

Yesterday I suddenly started feeling sick after lunch. I thought 'what a bad time to get sick - I have counseling today, and I'm playing on Sunday'. Then I realized that it probably wasn't real sickness. I walked around and did breathing exercises and it went away within 10 minutes.

This morning one of my lessons canceled so I had time to take a walk outside, where it was in the low 40's. The cool air and exercise helped, but I'm still not feeling normal. At least I know I can head off an attack without drugs. That's good, but I would rather not have anymore at all. I'm going to dial back some of my activities because my counselor helped me realize that while I'm 'not working' I am going to the church four days a week.

My last panic attack (according to my writings) was September 5. Going over a month without any was encouraging. Since this thing starts out as an upset stomach, I wonder how many sick days I took last year that were actually mild panic episodes. I felt nauseated too often to be normal and would stay home from work, only to find that by the afternoon I felt great. Now I know I can power through it and get going anyway. Hopefully that helps me do better this year.

Big Long Post Part 2

I split today's writing into two posts to help borderline ADHD people like myself not be overwhelmed. Plus I got to find two appropriate pictures which is entertaining. (FYI – I took the bored DJ one but the other is a random shot I found on flickr.)

We now resume the rest of our program.

I'm learning a lot about myself through everything that is happening. In the past I have usually been too weak to say no to things that put extra stress on me. I realized this last week when I had to back down from a couple projects that I had already said yes to. The tension knot forming in my chest was the same old friend who has been with me since my late teens. Whenever I would get overwhelmed or over committed, I would always have this chest tightness and feel like I was going to burst. I don't think I mentioned it to anyone besides my wife because I didn't realize how serious it was. (She told me to buck up and finish the dishes.)

I'm still having a hard time finding enjoyment in hobbies, movies or games right now though. It could be depression or it could be something else. I keep switching focus to different things at home because nothing can hold my attention for as long as it used to. (Except typing I guess – look at me go!) At least if it's depression the medicine I'm on will help take care of that as well. I suspect that the previously mentioned Fallout 3 will also help with this problem, but that's not for another three weeks yet. Plus I'm a cheapskate so I have to wait an extra 3-5 days for Amazon's free shipping.

Overall I think it's a good thing that these attacks have happened to me because I am more aware of my physical & mental condition now and know my limits. Since I'm in a fragile state right now, I'm keenly aware when something is too much for me and I will say so. (plus people will actually believe me now!) I think I will continue to be more aware in the future and take better care of myself. That is why from now on I'm answering every email I get with a rickroll link and nothing else.

Big Long Post Part 1

Good news! I saw my psychologist this morning and she said I'm cured!

Ok not really, but we went through the symptoms of Bipolar II and she helped me understand what to look for. It's looking like a pretty solid no, so that's good. I couldn't bear to be on lithium and ruin my girlish figure.

She was a little surprised at how much progress I've made, which is a good thing. Besides her, I've had two other people with personal knowledge of anxiety tell me that I'm doing really well for the time I've had since this started. I am now able to calm myself with breathing exercises and aerobic activity when I feel a lot of anxiety coming on. My favorite breathing exercise, which is useful for anyone to do once or more daily is taking a slow deep breath in through your nose while expanding your diaphragm, holding it for four seconds and then slowly blowing out your mouth. After a few times of doing it I can go from anxious to sleepy. TRY IT NOW!!!!!

I don't fear (let alone have) panic attacks when going out to restaurants or stores anymore, and I haven't had a full attack for two weeks or more. (I'll have to check my blog to see when the last one was)

I also haven't taken a Xanax in two weeks that I know of, except at my Grandma's memorial. On the way down (it was a 1 hour drive), I was doing breathing exercises and trying to get things under control, but realized it was kind of a stupid day to be fighting that stuff. The next morning I played at church and led one song and didn't need Xanax. (yay!) The day after that we went down to Tahoma National Cemetery for the burial service and I did fine then as well.

The psychologist (along with everyone else I talk to) is encouraging me to take the full sabbatical that was offered until January, but not to stay out of everything. Originally she was concerned that I was off work for so long, but now that she sees I'm involved in a lot of activities and getting out, she thinks it's fine. My counselor put it a different way: "If you don't take this break you're being given, your body will give you another break that you won't like." (Such as a heart attack or a nervous breakdown)

Procrastination

I know I haven't posted anything for a while, and it's not because there's nothing going on; there's too much going on.

This week I started feeling totally overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks. I've got three emails from Monday that require a response but I haven't responded to them yet. (Sorry peoples)

I'm not sure what the overwhelmed feeling is all about but I know my dad has had similar issues. I am seeing the psychologist on Monday, so we'll see what she thinks of my progress. I go pee pee all by myself now.

Weekend Update (Without Kevin Nealon)

If you get the not very funny joke in the title, then you are tall enough for this ride.

I just got through a busy weekend. Friday was a counseling appointment, Saturday was Grandma's memorial service, Sunday I played at church, and today was Grandma's graveside service at Tahoma National Cemetery.

I'll write more of an update and post a few shots soon. (AKA when I feel like it)

Best Worship Ever?

The caption on youtube is 'Words are inadequate to properly describe this travesty'

This is the most cringe inducing thing I've seen. All hype, no worship, and extremely painful hip-hop clichés taken from several sources. I was with him up until the point where he mentioned socks.

Celexa Update (Already)

I'm still in the process of learning more about anxiety and depression symptoms & treatments. I just found out that SSRI's usually work in two to four weeks for depression but can take 8 to 12 for anxiety. Would have been nice to hear that from the doctors I worked with; they told me four weeks.

I bring this up because today started out a little shaky and got worse as time went on. I haven't had this much nervous tension in my chest for a couple weeks.

I'm glad I heard the 8-12 weeks figure or I might have been very discouraged by today.

I'm reading this fascinating book about how anxiety depression and other behaviors can be specifically linked to dysfunction in certain areas of the brain.

It seems to be written half to medical professionals and half to patients, but I'm glad, because it doesn't dumb things down and gives complete pros & cons to each treatment and medicine they discuss.

You can check it out here (audio) or here (old school)

I would love to have these scans done (there is a clinic in Tacoma - not too far from our house) but I suspect that they are not covered by insurance and cost a fortune. I'll just lay off the caffeine and keep exercising.

30 Days of Celexa

I've been on Celexa for 30 days now, so theoretically I should be doing much better. And I am doing much better, but I wouldn't say normal. Since it's been over 30 days on the medicine, I thought I would be clever and sleep without trazodone last night. It didn't go so well. I tossed & turned much of the night and woke up with a nervous stomach and chest tension. The good news is that it wasn't so severe that I was unable to eat. It's just kind of annoying. The other good news is that I've been sleeping great with it. I've got enough trazodone to last three months and I don't think there are any issues with using it so I'll stick with it for now.
I haven't taken any Xanax in over a week and most places I go out it doesn't occur to me that I might need one, so that's a step forward. The first real public test will be this Sunday. I'm playing keys at church to gauge where I'm at. If I'm going to have a panic attack or any issues, it would be there with performance pressure in front of people. I'm still not practicing though ;-) (Just kidding Jodi)

This will be much easier than leading a service. I'm not planning any of it or in charge of anything, I just have to be in the band and goof off with the rest of those slackers while Jodi tries to make us quit doing blues jams. (I got my Rhodes fingers at the ready)

I was planning the weekend so that I would be nice and relaxed before Sunday, but we're having the memorial for my grandma on Saturday and I doubt it will be very relaxing. Hopefully that won't matter though. I am a little nervous about Sunday just because I don't want to be disappointed by another attack.

I feel bad about going straight to the big boy medicine before looking into alternatives. I have received a lot of tips about natural remedies for anxiety and stress. (thanks for those) The problem was that not only was I having panic attacks, but I was so panicked about my condition and being unable to work (not to mention living a miserable existence for a time) that I jumped on the doctor's recommendation without giving it a second thought. I told this to my psychologist and she said that's silly, but I still wonder what else might have been possible.

There are some side effects to Celexa and it's a long term drug, so I'll have to deal with that. The most prominent is dry mouth. I feel parched all day every day. My dentist told me that without enough saliva in your mouth your tooth decay and cavity rate increases. He told me to get some gum with xylitol in it (I choose stride because it really is ridiculously long lasting) to stimulate the salivary glands and use a flouride rinse at night for added protection. I used to drink a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew in one day when I was a skateboarding teenager and I didn't floss, so I have watches all over my mouth in between the teeth. I've already had more than 10 fillings since I started going to the dentist on my own and I'd like to keep my normal teeth as long as possible. I hate chewing gum but I'm having about four pieces a day now.

Whenever I sang on stage I always had a cough drop in my mouth to keep from being too dry as it is. Hopefully that's still enough to do the job. Gum is a bit tacky on stage, even for a laid back church.

Well that's enough typing for one day.