OK so that title is meaningless, but you have to write something. My condition has deteriorated a bit lately so I wanted to get a post in for time line purposes again.
In the past few weeks I have noticed increased anxiety, but nothing too serious. There have been a couple days I have gone home early or stayed home due to feeling sick, and it took me a while to recognize what was going on. At first there didn't seem to be any reason for my anxiety issues, but then I finally realized that we are having a baby soon and that's kind of a big deal. I'm not consciously nervous about having another child, I think it's just the whole unknown of delivery timing & circumstances and hoping everything goes well. We are down to the wire here, so it could be time to head in to the hospital any time. Leigha's contractions got as close as three minutes apart for a time last night, but then died down.
A few things happened that led to a full fledged panic attack today unfortunately (Sunday 6-28-09). Friday night I decided to try & sleep without trazodone so that I would be alert enough to drive right away if we have to leave during the night. I have actually been meaning to try sleeping without it for a while anyway but haven't gotten around to doing it. (guaranteed sleep is always much more appealing than probable sleep). I thought that the medicine was only helping me go to sleep, but it turns out that it also keeps me sleeping through the night. Friday night was a terrible night's sleep, and I had the old kind of anxiety in my chest that I haven't felt in months. I woke up several times with frustrating dreams, clenched jaw, and adrenaline in my chest. That feeling stayed with me through much of Saturday as well.
Coinciding with this were two pieces of bad news that sent me over the edge. We found out Friday morning that my dad had accidentally overdosed on his medication and had been taken to the hospital. He was released later that morning, but the issue was that he was getting confused and wasn't able to keep track of when he took the medicine. On Saturday morning I got a call saying that he was being taken into the psychiatric ward because the confusion had gotten to a point that required professional help. This has happened to my dad before and he's come out okay, but mental issues are never easy to diagnose, and there's no guarantee of 'fixing' things.
Last night I took a half xanax to help me sleep (0.25mg - not much) and woke up at 3:30AM with bad things rising in my chest & took the other half. I played keys for two services at church this morning so another .25mb of xanax got me through that. I'm glad I made it through both services okay, but it was close. I had such bad chills at reherasal that I layed on my office floor with a heater blowing on my until service started. (If you know me, you will know that is very out of character - I have my own fan on stage that is always on) Anyway, I made it home, collapsed in bed and got a nap, but the full panic attack did hit by that time. Fortunately after a few hours I started feeling closer to normal and I haven't taken any more xanax since early morning.
This post may be a bit more scattered than some of my other ones, but I don't have the energy to proofread & edit this time.
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