Friday, August 29
Yesterday and today I have only felt a little sickness in the morning and have done well the rest of the time with no Xanax. I did have to take one last night to sleep, but it was minor chest tension and adrenaline keeping me up, not a full attack. (In other words, not something I could fight off, I would have just stayed awake)
I was concerned because I have a counseling appointment tonight (1.5 hours away now) and thought I might have an attack because of that pressure. Filling out the papers was difficult. Several pages of family & personal history asking what I liked & disliked about my childhood, parents, spouse, plus many other questions. It brought up a lot of tension to do the papers but it went away quickly. Anyway, so far I'm doing fine, but my wife is driving my just in case I'm not doing fine by the time the two hour(!) session is over.
One cool thing that happened today - we made a deal with the kids that they would save their allowance until they could afford half of the Pink Panther Cartoon collection and we would pay the rest. (14 hours of short toons from the late 60's that they like). It was $40-something at amazon.com. Today going through my rss feeds I saw that it was the deal of the day for $27, so I snagged it and we'll give it to the kids when they have enough.
It's a holiday weekend in the U.S., and not many people will be reading so I'll quit now. Google Analytics will tell me how many faithful (i.e. non-vacationing) readers remain.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Things Could Always Be Worse
Here's an inspirational verse from 2 Chronicles
18 After all this, the LThat's what you get for killing your brothers and causing your people to worship idols!ord struck Jehoram with the severe intestinal disease. 19 The disease grew worse and worse, and at the end of two years it caused his bowels to come out, and he died in agony. His people did not build a great funeral fire to honor him as they had done for his ancestors.
20 Jehoram was thirty-two years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. No one was sorry when he died. They buried him in the City of David, but not in the royal cemetery.
Less Victory Than I Had Hoped
OK I'm just having fun with titles here, but after finding arbitrary titles for hundreds (or thousands) of images on flickr I naturally think that way.
The title isn't totally off though.
Tuesday, August 26
I got a good nights sleep and woke up with the familiar knot in my stomach & chest, but it wasn't unbearable so I didn't take anything. We had someone over for dinner, and during the meal I started to feel nausea & chest tension coming on so I took a Xanax. (So far my plan to take it only at night has worked zero times)
Later, we were watching Prison Break on DVD and I took a bathroom break. While I was in there I got hit with a sudden burst of nausea, hot flash & dizziness. The same feeling I get right before vomiting. This was an instant onset of attack without me even having a chance to face it & accept it & all that.
I wasn't able to finish watching the show and had to go to bed so I could concentrate on not being afraid of my symptoms. Sounds crazy, but that is the way to get permanently better if you keep it up according to the book I'm reading. It does work to hold off further attack, but it came on so severe and suddenly that there wasn't much I could do to help myself. At 10 PM I took another Xanax and was able to sleep through the night. (Well I woke up at 4:00 for a bathroom break, but was able to get right back to sleep instead of watching another sunrise)
This is the first time I've actually had an attack while on Xanax. That is very disconcerting because I thought that Xanax was my magic bullet I could rely on when I need to go out. I have a counselling consultation Friday evening so hopefully I won't be feeling sick the whole time. There's nothing like dredging up garbage from the past while you feel like you're about to hurl!
I'm wondering if the tenseness of the show encouraged my attack, although I felt early symptoms during dinner. I was able to relax more once I quit watching it, but the nausea never left.
Wednesday, August 27
This morning I woke up and ate a little, but still felt so sick that I took a Xanax after being up for an hour. Again, I still felt attacks coming on while it was in my system and had to keep the kids away from me or quiet because the activity made it worse. I talked to one of my flickr friends who has been through a lot of similar (but worse) experiences and he said that Xanax can stop being as effective after taking it continuously. I haven't been taking it that long so hopefully that isn't happening already.
The good side of this is that all of my pants are way too big for me now, as they should be since I've been running 10-15 pounds overweight for some time and have had to buy bigger pants in the last couple years. The bad side is I have to wear a belt all the time. (I know, call the wahmbulance.)
Other than that, I basically wasted the entire day trying (unsuccessfully) to jailbreak my iPod Touch 2.0 firmware The hack apps aren't quite ready for prime time I guess. I also just realized that Firefox's built in auto-spellchecker doesn't work in the window where I write this stuff, so previous posts haven't been checked for spelling. I am gud spelur without it aniway.
The title isn't totally off though.
Tuesday, August 26
I got a good nights sleep and woke up with the familiar knot in my stomach & chest, but it wasn't unbearable so I didn't take anything. We had someone over for dinner, and during the meal I started to feel nausea & chest tension coming on so I took a Xanax. (So far my plan to take it only at night has worked zero times)
Later, we were watching Prison Break on DVD and I took a bathroom break. While I was in there I got hit with a sudden burst of nausea, hot flash & dizziness. The same feeling I get right before vomiting. This was an instant onset of attack without me even having a chance to face it & accept it & all that.
I wasn't able to finish watching the show and had to go to bed so I could concentrate on not being afraid of my symptoms. Sounds crazy, but that is the way to get permanently better if you keep it up according to the book I'm reading. It does work to hold off further attack, but it came on so severe and suddenly that there wasn't much I could do to help myself. At 10 PM I took another Xanax and was able to sleep through the night. (Well I woke up at 4:00 for a bathroom break, but was able to get right back to sleep instead of watching another sunrise)
This is the first time I've actually had an attack while on Xanax. That is very disconcerting because I thought that Xanax was my magic bullet I could rely on when I need to go out. I have a counselling consultation Friday evening so hopefully I won't be feeling sick the whole time. There's nothing like dredging up garbage from the past while you feel like you're about to hurl!
I'm wondering if the tenseness of the show encouraged my attack, although I felt early symptoms during dinner. I was able to relax more once I quit watching it, but the nausea never left.
Wednesday, August 27
This morning I woke up and ate a little, but still felt so sick that I took a Xanax after being up for an hour. Again, I still felt attacks coming on while it was in my system and had to keep the kids away from me or quiet because the activity made it worse. I talked to one of my flickr friends who has been through a lot of similar (but worse) experiences and he said that Xanax can stop being as effective after taking it continuously. I haven't been taking it that long so hopefully that isn't happening already.
The good side of this is that all of my pants are way too big for me now, as they should be since I've been running 10-15 pounds overweight for some time and have had to buy bigger pants in the last couple years. The bad side is I have to wear a belt all the time. (I know, call the wahmbulance.)
Other than that, I basically wasted the entire day trying (unsuccessfully) to jailbreak my iPod Touch 2.0 firmware The hack apps aren't quite ready for prime time I guess. I also just realized that Firefox's built in auto-spellchecker doesn't work in the window where I write this stuff, so previous posts haven't been checked for spelling. I am gud spelur without it aniway.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A Bigger Victory
I got 30 more Xanax yesterday, so there should be no more nonsense about staying awake all night for a while. I don't really feel good during the day unless I take it continuously, but I'm trying to just take it at night.
I haven't had any serious attacks during the day since I've been home, but I never got them at home before anyway. I have a continuous knot in my stomach & pressure in my chest which I can be distracted from if I'm concentrating on something but it never really goes away without medication.
I've been hoping I don't get depression along with the anxiety, but the medication (Celexa) treats both, so I guess it won't really matter. I don't 'feel' depressed but I have withdrawn from a lot of activity on Flickr.com, which is my main social outlet for fun, and I've been less motivated to process pictures, which is my main hobby. I'm even getting bored with Civilization IV, which used to keep me up to the wee hours of the morning :)
Uh-oh. Just checked the definition of depression: "Depression is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive low mood, and loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities"
At least I still enjoy sleep.
I haven't had any serious attacks during the day since I've been home, but I never got them at home before anyway. I have a continuous knot in my stomach & pressure in my chest which I can be distracted from if I'm concentrating on something but it never really goes away without medication.
I've been hoping I don't get depression along with the anxiety, but the medication (Celexa) treats both, so I guess it won't really matter. I don't 'feel' depressed but I have withdrawn from a lot of activity on Flickr.com, which is my main social outlet for fun, and I've been less motivated to process pictures, which is my main hobby. I'm even getting bored with Civilization IV, which used to keep me up to the wee hours of the morning :)
Uh-oh. Just checked the definition of depression: "Depression is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive low mood, and loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities"
At least I still enjoy sleep.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Thank You's & Apologies
Thanks
I want to thank everyone who has taken time to send me an email with encouragement or personal experiences. I'm trying to get back to everyone if it seems appropriate. I appreciate it, and for everyone who has sent suggestions or advice, I'm copying those things into a single document so they don't get lost in my inbox forever.
Sorry
And I want to apologize to whomever I need to because one of the symptoms of anxiety is irritability. The doctor asked me a few times if I had been irritable lately. I said "well, maybe a little"...
My wife and mother both would like to upgrade that to "Yes, a lot."
So sorry about that.
I want to thank everyone who has taken time to send me an email with encouragement or personal experiences. I'm trying to get back to everyone if it seems appropriate. I appreciate it, and for everyone who has sent suggestions or advice, I'm copying those things into a single document so they don't get lost in my inbox forever.
Sorry
And I want to apologize to whomever I need to because one of the symptoms of anxiety is irritability. The doctor asked me a few times if I had been irritable lately. I said "well, maybe a little"...
My wife and mother both would like to upgrade that to "Yes, a lot."
So sorry about that.
A Small Victory (?)
Yesterday (Sunday, August 24) I read some more of my book. It talked about first & second fears with anxiety. The first fear is a natural thing we all might feel when there is a loud noise or something like that. For an over sensitized person this fear immediately triggers a second fear, which is a fear of your symptoms. This causes more adrenaline to be released and makes your fear come true.
You are supposed to face your initial fear & symptoms and not be disconcerted by them. That is easier said than done but I managed to do it last night. The downside is that I only got a few hours of sleep. I successfully held off a full attack but wasn't able to rest. (And I kept my wife up with all my tossing and turning)
It's good to know that I can have some control over it without medication though. I haven't left the house since last Thursday and I still don't know if I could without Xanax, but hopefully things will be better soon.
I've never been one of those people who call a doctor just for drugs, but I put in a request today for more Xanax since I won't be seeing the doctor for 8 days. My first prescription was from the walk-in clinic, and they are very strict about no refills (for good reason) so I hope my doctor will approve it without having seen me.
You are supposed to face your initial fear & symptoms and not be disconcerted by them. That is easier said than done but I managed to do it last night. The downside is that I only got a few hours of sleep. I successfully held off a full attack but wasn't able to rest. (And I kept my wife up with all my tossing and turning)
It's good to know that I can have some control over it without medication though. I haven't left the house since last Thursday and I still don't know if I could without Xanax, but hopefully things will be better soon.
I've never been one of those people who call a doctor just for drugs, but I put in a request today for more Xanax since I won't be seeing the doctor for 8 days. My first prescription was from the walk-in clinic, and they are very strict about no refills (for good reason) so I hope my doctor will approve it without having seen me.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Finally Some Sleep...
Sunday, August 24
I could tell that it was shaping up to be another bad night last night so I broke down and took another Xanax. I only have four left now and no doctors appointment on the schedule. I'll call tomorrow but who knows when I'll be able to get in. I still haven't seen my primary doctor yet so hopefully I can do that soon. If I continue to have trouble sleeping I'll have to spread the pills out so I can sleep every two days and hope I get in to the doctor soon I guess.
Anyhow I had a beautiful nights rest; I woke up several times but I was peaceful and able to go right back to sleep, even after the Xanax had worn off. I ended up with 10 hours of sleep, which helped offset the previous two nights.
Here's a proverb I came across today that I thought was funny and appropriate in this translation.
Proverbs 20:24 (NLT):
24 The Lord directs our steps,
so why try to understand everything along the way?
I could tell that it was shaping up to be another bad night last night so I broke down and took another Xanax. I only have four left now and no doctors appointment on the schedule. I'll call tomorrow but who knows when I'll be able to get in. I still haven't seen my primary doctor yet so hopefully I can do that soon. If I continue to have trouble sleeping I'll have to spread the pills out so I can sleep every two days and hope I get in to the doctor soon I guess.
Anyhow I had a beautiful nights rest; I woke up several times but I was peaceful and able to go right back to sleep, even after the Xanax had worn off. I ended up with 10 hours of sleep, which helped offset the previous two nights.
Here's a proverb I came across today that I thought was funny and appropriate in this translation.
Proverbs 20:24 (NLT):
24 The L
so why try to understand everything along the way?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Sunrise Update
We just found out that the sunrise I photographed was one of the more exeptional ones we've had. People were pulling off the highway on the way to work to look at it. I should count my blessings that this was the night I was awake all that time.
Two Terrible Nights In A Row
August 23
I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.
Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.
When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.
If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)
The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.
Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.
The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.
I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.
I did surprisingly well yesterday in spite of my lack of sleep. I felt fairly good, and when my stomach started churning I would do push-ups to get my mind off of it. They say exercise helps with anxiety. In reading my book about getting better it seems that getting your mind off of it is a step in the wrong direction though. The book says to face up to your symptoms, examine them, accept them, and move on with your life. That works well right now for mild symptoms.
Unfortunately last night got really bad. My wife had to be gone for a couple hours in the evening and my lack of sleep hit hard right after she left. Fortunately the girls were good and I didn't have to intervene in world war III or anything like that.
When my wife got home at 8:PM, I took a full sleeping pill (half usually does the job) so that I wouldn't have a repeat of the previous night.
If you've ever been unable to sleep while under the influence of drugs that make you sleepy, you know what agony is. I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts on my ipod before sleep because I've had problems falling asleep for years. The ipod solves the issue by occupying my brain until I'm about to drop off. (Music doesn't work - it has to be talking)
The sleeping pill was taking hold nicely and I could feel myself drifting off to a lovely drug-induced slumber, so I pulled out the earphones and prepared to be asleep within the minute.
Just then I felt a surge of adrenaline in my chest. I tried to relax by focusing on breathing, but it didn't work. It continued to get stronger until I was having a full-on anxiety attack like I haven't had since the dinner at Anthony's. I was awake for several hours with the familiar nausea & trips to the toilet. I know a Xanax would have calmed me down enough to sleep, but I haven't had a chance to ask a pharmacist about drug interactions with the sleeping pill. I thought I had better endure the terrible night rather than risk a trip to the emergency room or worse.
The tension in my chest and stomach has stayed with me all day today. I took a Xanax this morning when I got up, but between that and the grogginess of the sleeping pill I felt like I might drop at any moment. It was a little scary for a couple hours, but at least the nausea went away.
I've written the entire blog up to this point on one day, and I'm all caught up now so who knows what exciting adventures remain for Marcus and Wonder Boy! A good nights sleep would fit the bill for me.
First 'Regular' Doctor Visit & Sleepless Night Without Xanax
Thursday, August 21
My doctor was still unavailable, but I got in to see someone so that we could get on with whatever needs to be done.
She told me to quit taking the Xanax except for emergencies and put me on Citalopram, (Celexa) which is a long term anti-depressant. The idea is that it builds up in your system and changes the way your brain handles serotonin levels over time, and then you wean off of it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help with anxiety for three to four weeks and one of the side affects can be increased anxiety, which will be the next post.
She also referred me to the part of the clinic that does counseling so I should expect a call soon.
Thursday Night, August 21
This was a really bad night. I ended up with a grand total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep. First night off the Xanax, and it didn't go so well. I'm used to being sedated plus the new stuff can cause sleep difficulties or sleepiness but apparently they don't know which. Anyhow I ended up being awake since 3:30 in the morning after going to bed around midnight.
At 3:30 when I woke up, my wife hadn't come to bed yet. She had been watching a show at her sister's house late that night so I was worried and went to check to see if her car was there. She was just wired and stayed up cleaning the house (just like I taught her) but the initial worry had triggered a fear response that kept adrenaline going in me for a while and I was never able to get back to sleep.
The plus side of no sleep is that I got some great shots of the sun rising over the lake this morning. They aren't ready yet, but be watching my flickr page around Christmas time when I get caught up on my pictures. My wife stayed up all night & wanted to exercise at Curves at 6:00 AM so we talked & watched the sun come up over the lake from 5AM to 6AM. We were both tired afterward, but we learned a valuable lesson about sleep. Actually not, but we were very tired.
My doctor was still unavailable, but I got in to see someone so that we could get on with whatever needs to be done.
She told me to quit taking the Xanax except for emergencies and put me on Citalopram, (Celexa) which is a long term anti-depressant. The idea is that it builds up in your system and changes the way your brain handles serotonin levels over time, and then you wean off of it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help with anxiety for three to four weeks and one of the side affects can be increased anxiety, which will be the next post.
She also referred me to the part of the clinic that does counseling so I should expect a call soon.
Thursday Night, August 21
This was a really bad night. I ended up with a grand total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep. First night off the Xanax, and it didn't go so well. I'm used to being sedated plus the new stuff can cause sleep difficulties or sleepiness but apparently they don't know which. Anyhow I ended up being awake since 3:30 in the morning after going to bed around midnight.
At 3:30 when I woke up, my wife hadn't come to bed yet. She had been watching a show at her sister's house late that night so I was worried and went to check to see if her car was there. She was just wired and stayed up cleaning the house (just like I taught her) but the initial worry had triggered a fear response that kept adrenaline going in me for a while and I was never able to get back to sleep.
The plus side of no sleep is that I got some great shots of the sun rising over the lake this morning. They aren't ready yet, but be watching my flickr page around Christmas time when I get caught up on my pictures. My wife stayed up all night & wanted to exercise at Curves at 6:00 AM so we talked & watched the sun come up over the lake from 5AM to 6AM. We were both tired afterward, but we learned a valuable lesson about sleep. Actually not, but we were very tired.
Last Day of Work
Wednesday, August 20 was my last day of work for a while. My boss (and Pastor) has generously offered me a sabbatical so that I can work on getting well without external stresses. The past few days have still been busy because I've been doing a lot of communicating with people about my condition and wasting time on flickr.
OKAY, and playing Civilization IV. Now there's something that's addictive.
OKAY, and playing Civilization IV. Now there's something that's addictive.
Another Weekend, Another Wedding
Friday, August 15
We had a wedding rehearsal for a ceremony I was photographing. The rehearsal lunch was at a local restaurant and my wife & I went together. A few minutes after we sat down I started to get those bad familiar feeling I had gotten at Anthony's. I didn't have any of the medicine with me (stupid) so we had to drive back to the church and get it, then go back to a cold lunch.
Unfortunately as soon as we finished eating, one of the grandma's there started seeming like she was going to faint or have a seizure. An ambulance came and picked her up. This was obviously a bigger deal for her than for me, but that added stress would have definitely put me over the edge without medication.
(btw she is fine - it was dehydration)
Saturday, August 16
Photographed the wedding on medication and it went well. Still a little mellow, but that's way better than being unavailable for such an important event. Once again I had a backup plan - a pro photographer who is a friend happened to have an empty Saturday because they were going out of town and was ready to be plan B.
Sunday, August 17
Because of my problems in the past weekends, this time I had already gotten someone to lead worship for me, and I was playing guitar in the band. Even with the Xanax, I still felt a brief moment of panic as all the people filed into the room, but this time I took steps to help myself. After rehearsal and in between services I hid out in my office so that I could just walk on stage without the chit-chat that had pushed me over the edge two weeks before.
We had a wedding rehearsal for a ceremony I was photographing. The rehearsal lunch was at a local restaurant and my wife & I went together. A few minutes after we sat down I started to get those bad familiar feeling I had gotten at Anthony's. I didn't have any of the medicine with me (stupid) so we had to drive back to the church and get it, then go back to a cold lunch.
Unfortunately as soon as we finished eating, one of the grandma's there started seeming like she was going to faint or have a seizure. An ambulance came and picked her up. This was obviously a bigger deal for her than for me, but that added stress would have definitely put me over the edge without medication.
(btw she is fine - it was dehydration)
Saturday, August 16
Photographed the wedding on medication and it went well. Still a little mellow, but that's way better than being unavailable for such an important event. Once again I had a backup plan - a pro photographer who is a friend happened to have an empty Saturday because they were going out of town and was ready to be plan B.
Sunday, August 17
Because of my problems in the past weekends, this time I had already gotten someone to lead worship for me, and I was playing guitar in the band. Even with the Xanax, I still felt a brief moment of panic as all the people filed into the room, but this time I took steps to help myself. After rehearsal and in between services I hid out in my office so that I could just walk on stage without the chit-chat that had pushed me over the edge two weeks before.
First Doctor Visit for Anxiety
Tuesday, August 12
This was a terrible morning. I had finally realized that this thing wasn't going away and it had rendered me unable to do the most important part of my job. I broke down crying for the first time. Not in despair, but the significance of everything was weighing on me.
I had a piano lesson in my home that morning for a friend of my wife's, but wasn't in any shape to do it. They went out for coffee and came back an hour later and we got through it fine.
After that I went to the walk-in clinic again, this time specifically for anxiety. (My doctor was unavailable for several weeks) I was still an emotional wreck and broke down again while the poor nurse was asking me questions. (She gave me a hug & offered to bring some juice though:))
I saw a different doctor, told him the cliff notes of my previous posts and he prescribed Xanax to calm me down. (0.5mg three times a day as needed)
Xanax
I took my first Xanax that evening. We had someone coming over and I was feeling edgy & wanted to avoid getting sick again. It was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in some time. (I know you shouldn't say that about drugs, but truth is truth) For the first time in memory, I was at total peace. The nervousness in my stomach went away and I was able to eat dinner & watch a movie and feel good. It did have the side effect of making me very mellow, but for the time being it was a good tradeoff.
I was able to get through the rest of the week fine with the medication. I tried not to take it three times a day since it said 'as needed', but as the weekend approached it became clear that I did need three a day to function normally.
This was a terrible morning. I had finally realized that this thing wasn't going away and it had rendered me unable to do the most important part of my job. I broke down crying for the first time. Not in despair, but the significance of everything was weighing on me.
I had a piano lesson in my home that morning for a friend of my wife's, but wasn't in any shape to do it. They went out for coffee and came back an hour later and we got through it fine.
After that I went to the walk-in clinic again, this time specifically for anxiety. (My doctor was unavailable for several weeks) I was still an emotional wreck and broke down again while the poor nurse was asking me questions. (She gave me a hug & offered to bring some juice though:))
I saw a different doctor, told him the cliff notes of my previous posts and he prescribed Xanax to calm me down. (0.5mg three times a day as needed)
Xanax
I took my first Xanax that evening. We had someone coming over and I was feeling edgy & wanted to avoid getting sick again. It was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in some time. (I know you shouldn't say that about drugs, but truth is truth) For the first time in memory, I was at total peace. The nervousness in my stomach went away and I was able to eat dinner & watch a movie and feel good. It did have the side effect of making me very mellow, but for the time being it was a good tradeoff.
I was able to get through the rest of the week fine with the medication. I tried not to take it three times a day since it said 'as needed', but as the weekend approached it became clear that I did need three a day to function normally.
Catching Up Part III
Tuesday, August 5
I had my first real attack that was clearly anxiety. I took my daughter to Toys R Us to pick out a toy with her birthday money, and the moment the doors opened, I wanted to run back to the car & get home. What was the horrifying thing awaiting me behind the doors? Two girls at the customer service desk! (Cue 'who wants to be a millionaire' music)
This anxiety was totally irrational and had nothing to do with anything. That was the first time I realized that something was not right and it was more serious than bad leftovers.
We made it through the shopping trip, but I was very apprehensive and told my daughter that we might have to leave on short notice, so she had her standby toy picked out while we kept looking at other things.
At this point I still did not go see a doctor for anxiety because it was a small episode and I continued working throughout the week as normal.
Saturday night August 9
We had dinner with my parents at Anthony's Homeport (A nice restaurant on the waterfront) Things had been fine since Tuesday, but midway through the meal, I got the familiar nausea & dizziness and had to go to the bathroom. When we got home I called people to take care of worship the next morning. (10 hour notice instead of 20 minutes this time!)
Getting worship covered was one thing, but I was supposed to be officiating a wedding on Sunday afternoon. I called another pastor at the church and asked them to be ready to fill in for me. I was up much of the night feeling sick and unable to sleep. Three times I woke up so drenched with sweat I had to towel off and put a shirt down on the bed so I could lay on something dry. We have an air conditioner in our bedroom, so that was interesting.
Sunday, August 10
I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as terrible as ever. I really wanted to be there for this wedding since I had met with the couple and done the rehearsal with them. I started feeling slightly better mid morning and told them I would try and be there.
I did end up doing the wedding and it went fine, but I never did feel well through it all. The other pastor was there ready to play tag team officiant if needed. Might be fun to try someday.
By now it had become clear to all of us that it was time for me to be euthanized. Fortunately I talked my wife into giving it a go for a while longer.
I had my first real attack that was clearly anxiety. I took my daughter to Toys R Us to pick out a toy with her birthday money, and the moment the doors opened, I wanted to run back to the car & get home. What was the horrifying thing awaiting me behind the doors? Two girls at the customer service desk! (Cue 'who wants to be a millionaire' music)
This anxiety was totally irrational and had nothing to do with anything. That was the first time I realized that something was not right and it was more serious than bad leftovers.
We made it through the shopping trip, but I was very apprehensive and told my daughter that we might have to leave on short notice, so she had her standby toy picked out while we kept looking at other things.
At this point I still did not go see a doctor for anxiety because it was a small episode and I continued working throughout the week as normal.
Saturday night August 9
We had dinner with my parents at Anthony's Homeport (A nice restaurant on the waterfront) Things had been fine since Tuesday, but midway through the meal, I got the familiar nausea & dizziness and had to go to the bathroom. When we got home I called people to take care of worship the next morning. (10 hour notice instead of 20 minutes this time!)
Getting worship covered was one thing, but I was supposed to be officiating a wedding on Sunday afternoon. I called another pastor at the church and asked them to be ready to fill in for me. I was up much of the night feeling sick and unable to sleep. Three times I woke up so drenched with sweat I had to towel off and put a shirt down on the bed so I could lay on something dry. We have an air conditioner in our bedroom, so that was interesting.
Sunday, August 10
I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as terrible as ever. I really wanted to be there for this wedding since I had met with the couple and done the rehearsal with them. I started feeling slightly better mid morning and told them I would try and be there.
I did end up doing the wedding and it went fine, but I never did feel well through it all. The other pastor was there ready to play tag team officiant if needed. Might be fun to try someday.
By now it had become clear to all of us that it was time for me to be euthanized. Fortunately I talked my wife into giving it a go for a while longer.
Catching Up Part II
Skip a few days to Sunday morning August 3. I arrived at the church at 7:45AM for rehearsal. Everything went great and we spent some time joking around in between songs. I talked to a few people about how I had been sick for the concert and what unfortunate timing that had been.
As soon as people started showing up for church and the general chit-chat began, I started feeling nauseated and dizzy again. This was really bad timing since I was playing the piano & singing. I told some of the team how I was feeling but we had to get on with it.
During the music I felt so badly that I sat on a stool and tried to keep my head down. (Fortunately I wear a headset so that I don't have to stay in one spot) I was in real danger of fainting in front of everyone and began looking around for which direction I should go down if it came to that.
The nausea & dizziness were so strong that I had to go home and was not able to lead the next service. I felt terrible about this, as it forced the team to come up with a plan B and a new leader with new songs in about 20 minutes. There was a girl in the congregation that morning who plays piano and they grabbed the Jr. High pastor to sing.
Since I had been sick two weekends in a row, I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, August 4 to see a doctor. At this point anxiety had been raised as a possible explanation in conversation with people and I mentioned it to the doctor, but didn't have much to go on. If I had done even a minimal amount of research such as reading the anxiety page on Wikipedia I may have pushed that idea more strongly with the doctor.
He did a basic checkup and we did blood work and everything came out normal, so the idea was that perhaps it was a viral thing that re surged.
As soon as people started showing up for church and the general chit-chat began, I started feeling nauseated and dizzy again. This was really bad timing since I was playing the piano & singing. I told some of the team how I was feeling but we had to get on with it.
During the music I felt so badly that I sat on a stool and tried to keep my head down. (Fortunately I wear a headset so that I don't have to stay in one spot) I was in real danger of fainting in front of everyone and began looking around for which direction I should go down if it came to that.
The nausea & dizziness were so strong that I had to go home and was not able to lead the next service. I felt terrible about this, as it forced the team to come up with a plan B and a new leader with new songs in about 20 minutes. There was a girl in the congregation that morning who plays piano and they grabbed the Jr. High pastor to sing.
Since I had been sick two weekends in a row, I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, August 4 to see a doctor. At this point anxiety had been raised as a possible explanation in conversation with people and I mentioned it to the doctor, but didn't have much to go on. If I had done even a minimal amount of research such as reading the anxiety page on Wikipedia I may have pushed that idea more strongly with the doctor.
He did a basic checkup and we did blood work and everything came out normal, so the idea was that perhaps it was a viral thing that re surged.
Catching Up Part I
This whole thing has probably been building for some time, but it really first hit on July 27. I did a worship concert at New Life Church in Everett that evening. I was very nervous about it because it was the first time I've had people coming just to see ME. I'm used to being in front of people, but not used to being the reason the are there.
I've been playing in front of people in some capacity for 20 years now, so it is interesting that this event caused such distress for me. Some have suggested that perhaps I was experiencing some mild post traumatic stress since I used to be on staff at that church and had a very difficult year before I left. This was not my first time playing there since I left though; I have done a few memorial services there, plus attended a song writers group that met there and didn't have any issues.
The morning of the 27th started out fine. I lead worship at our church and made it through both services with no problems. During the sermon of the second service I began to feel nauseated and dizzy. I went outside and sat down thinking some fresh air would help. It did not help, and when service was released, people came streaming out of the doors and several people wanted to ask about the concert or other things, and this made it worse.
I became so nauseated that I retreated to a single bathroom and lay down on the floor. I was so sure I would throw up that I removed my shirt & shoes since I didn't have any other clothes with me. Fortunately I didn't throw up, but I did have diarrhea three times, which was special. I stayed in the bathroom for about 45 minutes before I felt like I would be able to drive home.
Once home I lay on the couch wondering if I would be able to do the concert or not. I ended up going, but never really felt better. During our afternoon rehearsal I felt fine (I have since found that video games or exercise can help distract from symptoms, since the nausea isn't legit) but I wasn't able to eat during dinner. My insides were in turmoil all day.
When it came time to do the concert, once again I was fine and made it through the evening with no more trouble. When I got home I still didn't feel great though, and stayed in bed through much of Monday. I felt good on tuesday, but stayed home from work on Wednesday the 30th. I had a haircut at 8AM that morning and began to feel sick towards the end of it.
At this point I had no clue that it was anxiety, or even that anxiety could cause these symptoms.
I've been playing in front of people in some capacity for 20 years now, so it is interesting that this event caused such distress for me. Some have suggested that perhaps I was experiencing some mild post traumatic stress since I used to be on staff at that church and had a very difficult year before I left. This was not my first time playing there since I left though; I have done a few memorial services there, plus attended a song writers group that met there and didn't have any issues.
The morning of the 27th started out fine. I lead worship at our church and made it through both services with no problems. During the sermon of the second service I began to feel nauseated and dizzy. I went outside and sat down thinking some fresh air would help. It did not help, and when service was released, people came streaming out of the doors and several people wanted to ask about the concert or other things, and this made it worse.
I became so nauseated that I retreated to a single bathroom and lay down on the floor. I was so sure I would throw up that I removed my shirt & shoes since I didn't have any other clothes with me. Fortunately I didn't throw up, but I did have diarrhea three times, which was special. I stayed in the bathroom for about 45 minutes before I felt like I would be able to drive home.
Once home I lay on the couch wondering if I would be able to do the concert or not. I ended up going, but never really felt better. During our afternoon rehearsal I felt fine (I have since found that video games or exercise can help distract from symptoms, since the nausea isn't legit) but I wasn't able to eat during dinner. My insides were in turmoil all day.
When it came time to do the concert, once again I was fine and made it through the evening with no more trouble. When I got home I still didn't feel great though, and stayed in bed through much of Monday. I felt good on tuesday, but stayed home from work on Wednesday the 30th. I had a haircut at 8AM that morning and began to feel sick towards the end of it.
At this point I had no clue that it was anxiety, or even that anxiety could cause these symptoms.
Introduction
My name is Marcus. I'm a regular guy who has played music and sang regularly in front of people for 20 years. Literally overnight I have become crippled by anxiety attacks. So far I can only go out or be in front of people if I'm on Xanax. That's bad.
I'm a worship leader (music director) at a church in Snohomish Washington. Starting on July 27, 2008 I've begun to experience anxiety attacks that have been severe enough to put me in bed for a day or more at a time. I am currently on a sabbatical from work and have just begun the process of finding medication, counseling and reading up on my condition.
This blog will serve three purposes:
I'm a worship leader (music director) at a church in Snohomish Washington. Starting on July 27, 2008 I've begun to experience anxiety attacks that have been severe enough to put me in bed for a day or more at a time. I am currently on a sabbatical from work and have just begun the process of finding medication, counseling and reading up on my condition.
This blog will serve three purposes:
- Keep friends & family updated on my condition while simultaneously curing their insomnia.
- Document events, times, medication, etc. for my failing memory.
- Serve as a therapeutic outlet while I deal with this and make progress towards wellness.
- At times things are very difficult for me, but when they're not I'm a chronic joker and especially enjoy subtle humor. That will hopefully be reflected in my posts.
- I enjoy photography as a hobby and you can check out my flickr page here.
- I edit posts a lot. If you see that a post has been edited, don't assume I've redacted information; usually it's done to change wording I don't like or clarify something.
- I didn't really like that last sentence but I think I'll leave it.
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