Weekend Update (Without Kevin Nealon)

If you get the not very funny joke in the title, then you are tall enough for this ride.

I just got through a busy weekend. Friday was a counseling appointment, Saturday was Grandma's memorial service, Sunday I played at church, and today was Grandma's graveside service at Tahoma National Cemetery.

I'll write more of an update and post a few shots soon. (AKA when I feel like it)

Best Worship Ever?

The caption on youtube is 'Words are inadequate to properly describe this travesty'

This is the most cringe inducing thing I've seen. All hype, no worship, and extremely painful hip-hop clichés taken from several sources. I was with him up until the point where he mentioned socks.

Celexa Update (Already)

I'm still in the process of learning more about anxiety and depression symptoms & treatments. I just found out that SSRI's usually work in two to four weeks for depression but can take 8 to 12 for anxiety. Would have been nice to hear that from the doctors I worked with; they told me four weeks.

I bring this up because today started out a little shaky and got worse as time went on. I haven't had this much nervous tension in my chest for a couple weeks.

I'm glad I heard the 8-12 weeks figure or I might have been very discouraged by today.

I'm reading this fascinating book about how anxiety depression and other behaviors can be specifically linked to dysfunction in certain areas of the brain.

It seems to be written half to medical professionals and half to patients, but I'm glad, because it doesn't dumb things down and gives complete pros & cons to each treatment and medicine they discuss.

You can check it out here (audio) or here (old school)

I would love to have these scans done (there is a clinic in Tacoma - not too far from our house) but I suspect that they are not covered by insurance and cost a fortune. I'll just lay off the caffeine and keep exercising.

30 Days of Celexa

I've been on Celexa for 30 days now, so theoretically I should be doing much better. And I am doing much better, but I wouldn't say normal. Since it's been over 30 days on the medicine, I thought I would be clever and sleep without trazodone last night. It didn't go so well. I tossed & turned much of the night and woke up with a nervous stomach and chest tension. The good news is that it wasn't so severe that I was unable to eat. It's just kind of annoying. The other good news is that I've been sleeping great with it. I've got enough trazodone to last three months and I don't think there are any issues with using it so I'll stick with it for now.
I haven't taken any Xanax in over a week and most places I go out it doesn't occur to me that I might need one, so that's a step forward. The first real public test will be this Sunday. I'm playing keys at church to gauge where I'm at. If I'm going to have a panic attack or any issues, it would be there with performance pressure in front of people. I'm still not practicing though ;-) (Just kidding Jodi)

This will be much easier than leading a service. I'm not planning any of it or in charge of anything, I just have to be in the band and goof off with the rest of those slackers while Jodi tries to make us quit doing blues jams. (I got my Rhodes fingers at the ready)

I was planning the weekend so that I would be nice and relaxed before Sunday, but we're having the memorial for my grandma on Saturday and I doubt it will be very relaxing. Hopefully that won't matter though. I am a little nervous about Sunday just because I don't want to be disappointed by another attack.

I feel bad about going straight to the big boy medicine before looking into alternatives. I have received a lot of tips about natural remedies for anxiety and stress. (thanks for those) The problem was that not only was I having panic attacks, but I was so panicked about my condition and being unable to work (not to mention living a miserable existence for a time) that I jumped on the doctor's recommendation without giving it a second thought. I told this to my psychologist and she said that's silly, but I still wonder what else might have been possible.

There are some side effects to Celexa and it's a long term drug, so I'll have to deal with that. The most prominent is dry mouth. I feel parched all day every day. My dentist told me that without enough saliva in your mouth your tooth decay and cavity rate increases. He told me to get some gum with xylitol in it (I choose stride because it really is ridiculously long lasting) to stimulate the salivary glands and use a flouride rinse at night for added protection. I used to drink a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew in one day when I was a skateboarding teenager and I didn't floss, so I have watches all over my mouth in between the teeth. I've already had more than 10 fillings since I started going to the dentist on my own and I'd like to keep my normal teeth as long as possible. I hate chewing gum but I'm having about four pieces a day now.

Whenever I sang on stage I always had a cough drop in my mouth to keep from being too dry as it is. Hopefully that's still enough to do the job. Gum is a bit tacky on stage, even for a laid back church.

Well that's enough typing for one day.

Motivational Pictures

Anyone who feels like you're failing at eating right and keeping your house clean should click below for something that will make you seem like a triathalon champion in comparison.

http://www.houston-imports.com/dirty/dirty.html

(This got hit today on boingboing.net and probably other sites so it may be slow to load)

Bust A Move For Jesus

Everything is better if it's Christian, right? So why not break dancing? (well sort-of breakdancing) It would be so painful to be one of those musicians on stage. I would wear a fake mustache and maybe my emergency wig.

Bipolar II?

I had never heard of bipolar II before (as opposed to 'regular' bipolar, AKA bipolar I), but it's a possibility I need to look into. My dad was just diagnosed with it and it can be hereditary. There are many symptoms for bipolar II which include panic attacks, but that's just a small piece of the puzzle.

This condition is easy to mis-diagnose because the symptoms include anxiety and depression; two biggies for many people. Also the highs and lows are much more understated so it's not always obvious that a person is ill.

I don't know too much about it but my counsellor went over the symptoms with me and more of then ring a bell than not. I'm seeing the psychologist on October 6th so we'll see where to go next at that meeting. I put a call into the office asking for a screening but I don't know if she can do it or if I have to be referred to a psychiatrist. Only psychiatrists can prescribe the medication for all forms of bipolar, but maybe they don't need to do the screening.

I'm kind of hoping that I do have bipolar II because then I'll have an excuse for being such a jerk!

Here's some bedtime reading. Good luck figuring out what it means.
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-md05.html

After reading that page I have my doubts about the condition now - many of the things I talked about with my counsellor don't seem to be listed, and I'm pretty sure I've never had a major depressive episode, which is a requirement for diagnosis. I'll just wait and see what the psychologist thinks and go from there I guess.

Also, I'd just like to let everyone know that I spelled psychologist and psychiatrist right without the help of spellcheck. I'm sure you're proud.

Farewell Grandma Gentry

My grandmother passed away this afternoon. She had a stroke last year and has been bedridden for about a year now. She has been unable to swallow or talk and has been fed through a stomach tube all this time.

I think I would have given up long since if I were in her position, but she was tenacious. It's hard to lose her, but I'm sure she's much happier now.

Her and grandpa gave us a piano when I was ten and that's what got me started playing. If it weren't for that, I might be a violin player right now, which is nice, but not so great for leading music. She always encouraged me in music, talked her friend's ears off about how great I was and made sure I was practicing every time I saw her.

I had put a tribute to her inside my CD booklet, but she had the stroke just before the project was released. I guess that's my only regret, but she always made it clear she was proud of me. We brought a stereo into her room and played the CD for her, but I'm pretty sure she didn't know what it was. Her and grandpa had given me some money to buy the initial equipment I needed to start the project, so it might not have happened or been delayed a while if they had not done that.

The lower picture is of mom, Isabelle and Elena visiting her. We had a keyboard in her room and would sing some of her favorite hymns. (She played piano in church from when she was young until she was physically unable) When we would sing one of her favorites she would vocalize and try to sit up. Even though we couldn't understand her, we know she recognized that music and wanted to participate. She had a unique style of playing where she did hymns in a ragtime style. It was quite lively and fun to listen to. My mom and I tried to emulate that sound for her but we fall short of grandmas abilities in that genre. I have a midi recording of her playing somewhere in the closet I think; I'll have to pull it out and see if I can record it to audio.

Last week the girls went with my mom to visit her. Elena rubbed lotion on grandma's hands, arms & face, and Elena & Isabelle sang some songs for her, dictated 'get well' cards, and drew pictures for grandma. It's always sweet to hear children singing and I'm sure grandma loved it even if she couldn't say so.

At the end of their visit Elena came running with a teddy bear and said, “She needs something to cuddle when we leave.” The sweet gesture of 4-year-old comfort! My aunt said grandma was holding it when she arrived at grandma's bedside yesterday. Elena's comfort was with Great Grandma to her last breath.

Before grandma passed away Elena asked my mom “Gramma, when will Great Gramma Gentry get well?” to which Isabelle replied “Elena, she’s very old; she’s just going to get dead.” When we told Elena today that great grandma had died, she said "Now she can eat!"

God bless you Grandma, we'll miss you.

Pregnant?

The last two mornings I have woken up with raw nerves, but nothing terrible until I try to eat breakfast.  Yesterday morning I had toast with butter & honey, and today a mini bagel with a small bit of cream cheese.  (Both with tea - I've got to have some caffeine!)

As soon as I started eating both days I got so nauseated I could barely finish the food.  Yesterday I did 100 skips of jump rope (I can't believe how much that works your whole body) and went outside and manually pumped up the tires on our cars. (They lose air over time, plus change 1 PSI for every ten degrees (f) of temperature change.)  I could tell they needed it because they have both been handling sloppy on corners.  Side curiosity - can anyone from Europe say what air pressure is measured in over there?  Since it's metric I'm assuming it wouldn't be pounds per square inch.

Anyhow, the exercise made my stomach feel better which means it was nerves.  Not sure why I'm having trouble now when I've been doing so well. If I really do get sick, that routine will backfire terribly on me.  Imagine doing jump rope & push-ups when you have the flu.  I guess I should exercise with a bucket & towel close by.

Today I had the same thing happen but felt better by lunch time.  Male morning sickness!  I would like to trade it for nighttime sickness so that I would be more disciplined in my eating habits.

The title of this post probably got the grandparents all excited.  Sorry about that.  Vasectomy is still scheduled for the 30th :)

First Night Of Sleep With No Drugs

Last night I slept without taking anything to help me slip into oblivion and it sort of worked. I woke up a few times, but was able to fall back asleep quickly. The only downside to not taking a sleep aid is that I still woke up with a tumultuous stomach and didn't have much appetite in the morning.

I'm not sure why, but it seems that if I don't get solid sleep my nerves are more shaky the next day.

I've got some other news coming that may have something to do with my trouble falling asleep, but I'm going to leave it for another time when I'm less sleepy. I've had trouble falling asleep for as long as I can remember. In the last four years that I've had an iPod, I've used it every night to make my brain shut up, and that has worked well until the panic episodes began.

PSA for the two readers who play video games

This will probably be competing with Spore for game of the year, but it will be no contest for me - this will be way better. (Click image to view large, or don't.)

I'm pretty sure I'll be back to work by October 24, so I'll just have to forgo sleep when this comes out.

Coffee Is Yummy

I was talking with someone the other day about different ways of preparing coffee and was telling them about how fantastic my french press coffee is. (I'm very humble)

The trouble is that talking about it made me want one so bad that I had to drink some. I made one the next day and it was fantastic as usual. I'm doing so much better than I was a few weeks ago I think it hardly did anything to me, so that's good. I am 'over' coffee in the sense that I don't need it to avoid headaches in the morning, but it's good to know that I can enjoy a cup.

I'm still using trazodone to sleep at night, but I'm going to try without it and see what happens. It's kind of a scary drug, but it makes me extremely sleepy for six hours, so you don't wake up groggy. I learned that I need to take it when I'm almost in bed after my first experience with it. It makes me so dizzy that I had to pull myself up the stairs with the rail to keep from falling down. That is easily resolved by not taking it too early so it's not a big deal.

Anyway, I think I'll go make an Americano now before it gets too late in the afternoon and disrupts my old man style sleep habits.

Here's my favorite coffee for french press if you're interested. I know that Gevalia sends you annoying junk mail all the time but they actually have some good coffee. Try some and you'll join the "Starbucks is burnt" crowd.
And here's my new-ish grinder, which surprisingly made a noticeable difference in the quality of my coffee.

If you're not a computer person, here's your free tech tip for the week:
Hold CTRL (CMD on Mac) while you click the links and they will open in new tabs.

Inspriational Break

I haven't been writing in the last few days but I wanted to share this with everyone. You may have already seen it because it's becoming a web phenomenon, but you can play it over and over and it just doesn't get old. When I get back to leading worship I'll be sure to add this to our repertoire.

"He is like a Mountie; he always gets his man." Brilliant!

How To Overcome Obstacles. (end of video)

New Direction

Friday, September 5

Yesterday morning I saw a psychologist at the Everett Clinic. They gave me the option of the Everett Marina office or Marysville. I told them that if I had to go sit in a box in Marysville, they could add depression to my list of ailments. (I lived there for five years so I can say that)

This office was right on the water and had a view of the docks & ocean. I was officially diagnosed with something, but it had letters on the end and I don't remember what it was. The important thing is that my insurance will pony up the $300 bill only if I am diagnosed with certain conditions.

She said my attacks can be classified as panic attacks. I've always said anxiety because it sounds nicer, but panic is a much better word for people who haven't experienced it. Your body is going into overdrive to protect from some perceived danger - fight or flight response is triggered and it can happen out of a dead sleep. Fortunately I've only experienced that once.

Anyhow, she was concerned about me taking too much time off work, and wants me to get out in public often. She said one of the best treatments for this (besides drugs, which should start helping me in about two weeks) is exposure. (Plus the other stuff I posted earlier about not fearing your symptoms) She told me to go to restaurants and go shopping and be out where I think I might have an attack. If I have an attack at the grocery store, she says keep shopping and try to ignore it. Many people take a brisk walk outside when an attack is coming on and that stops it. I totally intended to follow up on that, but I went home and played Bioshock for much of the day. And there was much rejoicing.

The only bummer that morning was that I started having an attack right before I saw the psycholosgist, so I was taking a pill just as she came out to call me back.

I really wish I could trade the nausea for one of the other possible panic symptoms. There's trembling, sweaty palms, even headache might be a step up. I feel so sick and want to lay down so bad when it hits, but I have to try to exercise or keep doing what I'm doing if I want the attack to pass quickly.

I went with a friend this evening down to Lynnwood (about 25 minutes away) for dinner at Claimjumpers, which was fantastic, and we stopped at a couple stores on the way home to compare prices for his business. I was a little nervous on the way down, but did fine and made it home without event. I know that sounds silly, but these things can strike hard & fast without warning. Case in point: An attack hit me just before I got to see the psychologist yesterday morning. It was escalating so quickly that I wimped out and took a Xanax because I wanted to be able to pay attention to what she said.

I just blanked out, so I guess that's the end of the story of how I spent my summer vacation.

First Day Of School

We saw Isabelle off to her first day as a first grader this morning. The bus came in pretty good time to pick her up, but we stood by the street for a half hour waiting for her to come home. She had a great day. Her first or second day of Kindergarten she stepped off the bus and burst into tears because one of the kids did something mean. So sad to see your kid have to face real life & learn that not everyone in the world is nice.

Sleep Without Drugs (That's the goal, anyway)

Wednesday, September 3

Yesterday I finally saw my primary doctor and discussed things with him. I'm still not sleeping without Xanax, but he told me I need to try not to use it for sleep. He suggested over the counter sleeping pills, but my last experience with that was terrible, which I posted about during the first day of this blog. Another option would be Trazodone, which is an anti-depressant that nobody uses to treat depression with anymore because it makes people too sleepy. It is not habit forming like Xanax, so I might try it if things don't go well.

So last night I went to bed without taking anything, and it was sort-of successful. I had adrenaline & tension going in my chest all through the night but it wasn't so severe that I didn't get any sleep. I didn't get much sleep however, (and I keep my wife up with all the tossing & turning) so hopefully tonight goes better.

One interesting effect of not taking Xanax to sleep is that I woke up with the same tension I had during my first week off work. It never really went away, but it's not as bad as before and I didn't have any nausea with it, so things are looking up. When I sleep with Xanax, I wake up rested and peaceful. Obviously I need to get to that point without drugs, but it isn't happening quite yet.

Random Paragraph That Has Nothing To Do With This Post:

I have basically given up coffee, which is one of my favorite things in the world. Some days I'm bad and make an Americano or a small press pot (mmm...) but drinking it usually makes me sick or brings tension into my chest. Fortunately I've gotten into tea in the last few years and I can still handle that.

First Counseling Session

I had my first session with a counselor last Friday, and it went well. I'm glad someone could take the time to point out how truly messed up I am ;-)

Since I'm being so open about everything here I recorded the session and typed a transcript if you want to see how things went.

Counseling Session Transcript

Enjoy!