Fire Escape Plan

I had to share this - Isabelle's homework assignment cracked me up. My favorite is the person next to the fire saying "oh no".

(click the picture to go to the photo page - there is a link to view it large)

Man Vs. Computer

I'm trying out a video editing program for the first time in years, and it could have gone better. I spent a good portion of the day figuring out how to make a slideshow behave how I want it to. When I went to burn it, the computer blue-screened and re-booted. This had also happened the other day when I burned an mp3 disc using iTunes, so I suspected something other than the program.

I had just rebuilt the system from scratch a few days ago, but I did install Windows XP service pack 3 against my better judgment. It made setup faster, but I've had several blue screens of death with the exact same hardware & software that has been running great for over a year. Anyhow, I rebooted and tried again, with the same result.

One more reboot, and I uninstalled a drive emulation tool to see if that helped. I went to open my video project and it was corrupted! Fortunately most of the day was spent figuring out how to use the program, not actually making the show so I was able to reconstruct the video in about an hour. Burned with a different drive and it worked.

So here it is in all of it's low quality YouTube goodness. This is a slideshow of my Grandmother's memorial and burial service. Just still photos, but I've got a hankering for a DV cam now. Expanding expensive hobbies is always good, right?

Badness

I haven't been doing so well for nine days now. I haven't had a full attack, but I've had to fight a few off. Almost every day I have to do breathing exercises to keep nausea away. One night lying in bed I got a sudden stab of adrenaline in my chest like I used to get in the first few weeks of all this. Fortunately I was able to keep that from going further.

This could be good in a way because I've begun to gain back that weight I lost at the beginning of this, and now my appetite is down again. I suppose I could exercise self discipline with eating, but that's downright un-American!

This part written for no reason whatsoever:
I took Isabelle to Starbucks this morning for a date. Since I can't do caffeine I've been getting decaf drinks, but I wanted to try their new signature hot chocolate. It is so rich that it could be a meal. I had to throw half of it away and Isabelle thought it was repulsive. (To be fair, she's not a big hot chocolate fan) I thought it was good, but at 420 calories for a 12 ounce drink, that's about a quarter of what you should consume in a day. Something to keep in mind. Just in case that wasn't enough, I also had the 500 calorie sausage & egg piadini. Fortunately we only go to Starbucks every couple weeks.

Relapse

Saturday, October 11

I'm mostly posting this to keep track of the timeline of events. I successfully fought off a panic attack yesterday afternoon before I left for counseling, and I had another one starting this morning when I woke up.

Yesterday I suddenly started feeling sick after lunch. I thought 'what a bad time to get sick - I have counseling today, and I'm playing on Sunday'. Then I realized that it probably wasn't real sickness. I walked around and did breathing exercises and it went away within 10 minutes.

This morning one of my lessons canceled so I had time to take a walk outside, where it was in the low 40's. The cool air and exercise helped, but I'm still not feeling normal. At least I know I can head off an attack without drugs. That's good, but I would rather not have anymore at all. I'm going to dial back some of my activities because my counselor helped me realize that while I'm 'not working' I am going to the church four days a week.

My last panic attack (according to my writings) was September 5. Going over a month without any was encouraging. Since this thing starts out as an upset stomach, I wonder how many sick days I took last year that were actually mild panic episodes. I felt nauseated too often to be normal and would stay home from work, only to find that by the afternoon I felt great. Now I know I can power through it and get going anyway. Hopefully that helps me do better this year.

Big Long Post Part 2

I split today's writing into two posts to help borderline ADHD people like myself not be overwhelmed. Plus I got to find two appropriate pictures which is entertaining. (FYI – I took the bored DJ one but the other is a random shot I found on flickr.)

We now resume the rest of our program.

I'm learning a lot about myself through everything that is happening. In the past I have usually been too weak to say no to things that put extra stress on me. I realized this last week when I had to back down from a couple projects that I had already said yes to. The tension knot forming in my chest was the same old friend who has been with me since my late teens. Whenever I would get overwhelmed or over committed, I would always have this chest tightness and feel like I was going to burst. I don't think I mentioned it to anyone besides my wife because I didn't realize how serious it was. (She told me to buck up and finish the dishes.)

I'm still having a hard time finding enjoyment in hobbies, movies or games right now though. It could be depression or it could be something else. I keep switching focus to different things at home because nothing can hold my attention for as long as it used to. (Except typing I guess – look at me go!) At least if it's depression the medicine I'm on will help take care of that as well. I suspect that the previously mentioned Fallout 3 will also help with this problem, but that's not for another three weeks yet. Plus I'm a cheapskate so I have to wait an extra 3-5 days for Amazon's free shipping.

Overall I think it's a good thing that these attacks have happened to me because I am more aware of my physical & mental condition now and know my limits. Since I'm in a fragile state right now, I'm keenly aware when something is too much for me and I will say so. (plus people will actually believe me now!) I think I will continue to be more aware in the future and take better care of myself. That is why from now on I'm answering every email I get with a rickroll link and nothing else.

Big Long Post Part 1

Good news! I saw my psychologist this morning and she said I'm cured!

Ok not really, but we went through the symptoms of Bipolar II and she helped me understand what to look for. It's looking like a pretty solid no, so that's good. I couldn't bear to be on lithium and ruin my girlish figure.

She was a little surprised at how much progress I've made, which is a good thing. Besides her, I've had two other people with personal knowledge of anxiety tell me that I'm doing really well for the time I've had since this started. I am now able to calm myself with breathing exercises and aerobic activity when I feel a lot of anxiety coming on. My favorite breathing exercise, which is useful for anyone to do once or more daily is taking a slow deep breath in through your nose while expanding your diaphragm, holding it for four seconds and then slowly blowing out your mouth. After a few times of doing it I can go from anxious to sleepy. TRY IT NOW!!!!!

I don't fear (let alone have) panic attacks when going out to restaurants or stores anymore, and I haven't had a full attack for two weeks or more. (I'll have to check my blog to see when the last one was)

I also haven't taken a Xanax in two weeks that I know of, except at my Grandma's memorial. On the way down (it was a 1 hour drive), I was doing breathing exercises and trying to get things under control, but realized it was kind of a stupid day to be fighting that stuff. The next morning I played at church and led one song and didn't need Xanax. (yay!) The day after that we went down to Tahoma National Cemetery for the burial service and I did fine then as well.

The psychologist (along with everyone else I talk to) is encouraging me to take the full sabbatical that was offered until January, but not to stay out of everything. Originally she was concerned that I was off work for so long, but now that she sees I'm involved in a lot of activities and getting out, she thinks it's fine. My counselor put it a different way: "If you don't take this break you're being given, your body will give you another break that you won't like." (Such as a heart attack or a nervous breakdown)

Procrastination

I know I haven't posted anything for a while, and it's not because there's nothing going on; there's too much going on.

This week I started feeling totally overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks. I've got three emails from Monday that require a response but I haven't responded to them yet. (Sorry peoples)

I'm not sure what the overwhelmed feeling is all about but I know my dad has had similar issues. I am seeing the psychologist on Monday, so we'll see what she thinks of my progress. I go pee pee all by myself now.