I've fallen and I can't get up!

The week after my last post was great - I felt completely normal and was able to be a lot more active. Unfortunately I started having trouble again, possibly because of all the activity.

Yesterday (Thursday, Nov 13) was my crowning achievement so far. I woke up with symptoms of a panic attack already beginning, and tried to get rid of them by doing exercise and breathing techniques. (As a reminder, my main symptoms are nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, and tightness in my chest) On top of that I was extremely tired (after just waking up), so I laid back down to hopefully sleep it off. Then I had liquid poo four times in a row, which kind of disrupted that plan. I would lay down in bed and have to get right back up again. I took some Imodium to stop the pattern when a fifth trip to the bathroom seemed imminent and laid back down.

My feelings of nausea & dizziness were continuing to get worse so I finally decided to go take a Xanax. For reasons of laziness I have never moved the bottle from its first resting place by my car keys, which is downstairs. I went down to get the pill, tried to cut one in half to see if that was enough, but cut it unevenly because I was getting worse quickly & couldn't focus. I swallowed it and headed back upstairs.

On the way up, I started having a hot flash and increased dizziness and thought I was about to vomit. I knew we had a large bowl in the kids room from when one of them was sick last week but my feelings were so strong I had to head straight for the bathroom. As I stood there facing the toilet I had just befouled with four bouts of the runs, the head & dizziness became really overwhelming.

I was in this black void of nothingness and heard Leigha shouting my name. I opened my eyes to find that I was on my back with my neck resting uncomfortably against the metal bar of a magazine rack, and she was trying to get the door open, which was blocked by my body. It took me a moment to figure out that I had passed out. Coming back from that is scary, because you're definitely not sleeping - you're nowhere. My ears had this loud whirring sound in them like machinery and I began to grow more aware of my surroundings. I couldn't move at first, but after a while I scooted sideways to get my neck off that bar and let Leigha open the door. It was a very emotional experience, because Leigha thought I was dead for a few moments. I was out for about 90 seconds and started out snoring, but then she said I made gurgling sounds and stopped breathing. That was probably about the time I woke up to her shouting at me. I feel terrible for her to have to go through that. We're too young for these types of scares!

I spent the entire rest of the day yesterday in bed, mostly sleeping. I tried doing some reading online & did a bit of flickring but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes focused on the screen. I got up for about an hour at 7 pm and then went to bed for the night. I woke up at 8:00 this morning and still feel like sleeping. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I'm seeing the doctor today at noon. I had two pieces of toast and a small bit of barbecue pork yesterday, and today I'm still not feeling hungry. I had a piece of toast this morning, but wished I hadn't. Hopefully I don't actually have the flu in addition to everything else. My stomach is better today than yesterday, but still not normal. My mom brought me some Gatorade last night, so I've been keeping my fluids at least. The nurse from the doctors office said that one possible cause of fainting could be not getting enough fluids after my bathroom escapades.

My neck hurts very badly today, but I think it is all bruising and nothing more serious. I have full range of motion, and no more grinding & popping than I did before I fell. Fortunately I seem to have landed to the left of my vertebrae and not right on them. At least I didn't fall forward; That toilet has seen better times :) I have some bruising on my right arm, probably from hitting the door knob, and I have a painful swollen area on the side of my tongue, probably from biting as I fell, but other than that no problems that I can detect. Hopefully my neck will just be bruised and in that case I think I'm getting off a lot easier than I could have from this thing.

At the doctor we're going to check for low blood pressure, which can be caused by Celexa and see if they've got any other ideas. Hopefully we don't have any more of this type of excitement in the future. One thing I've learned is that my physical response when I'm about to throw up or about to faint are the same. I'll have to make the call whether to get over the toilet or lay on my back with my feet up.


**Update** (2pm same day)
I saw my doctor and he didn't seem too concerned about me passing out or that I had behavior similar to a seizure. (That's common with a vasovagal response I guess.) I do have low blood pressure so they took some blood to see if there is anything else we should be looking at. He doubts that the low blood pressure is from the Celexa. The only bad thing left is that I still just want to sleep all day, which I did yesterday. I finally broke my toast only fast with some BBQ pork ribs, so at least my stomach is feeling better :)

Unfortunately my neck is still growing more sore. It hurts from the base of my skull to the top of my shoulder blade. I had the doctor check that out and it seems like it's just bruising, so I'll take this pain over what could have happened any day.

Taking It Easy

Not much to report in the last couple weeks. I've toned down activity since the last time I posted, which has helped me to be pretty stable. I just upped my medication as well since I should be feeling normal by now and I'm not. I do fine going out to a store or restaurant. It no longer occurs to me that I might not do well - it's just normal again. Doing things like music lessons, where it's responsibility on me seems to bother me for some reason, but it's nothing I can't deal with.

That last setback I had (lasting about 10 days) was pretty discouraging at first, but I read something that helped a lot. I'll type the end of the chapter here because it could apply to other situations as well. The book is here.

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Ups And Downs

The road to recovery is beset with many temporary failures. It is like traveling across the foothills toward the mountains. You travel downhill so often that it is difficult to realize that, in spite of this, you are still climbing. This up and down aspect of recovery is exhausting and frustrating. I remember one young man saying, "I'm tired of being up on minute and down the next. I'd almost rather stay down all the time and be done with it!"

It is true that just when you think you have turned the corner and are feeling well, you can have one of your worst setbacks. You can waste much energy trying to discovery why this happens. A patient will say, "I had a wonderful week last week, Doctor, the best yet, and then on Saturday and Sunday I felt terrible, as bad as ever. How is this possible?"

Do Not Measure Progress Day by Day

It may have been some trivial event that drew him back, but is it so important to find out? Strangely enough, it always seems so to the sufferer. Actually, it is important only to realize that tomorrow is another day and could be the best yet, however upsetting yesterday or today may have been. Do not measure your progress day by day. Looking forward hopefully with confidence is tremendous help. It draws you past the yesterdays, past today, past the tomorrows until you find recovery.

The slipping-back process is easy to understand. The past holds so many fearful memories for the person who has had a nervous illness that even a slight setback will find a host of them ready to engulf him. It takes time to dull these memories; but after he has pulled himself out of a few such reverses he despairs less readily, and confidence grows from each experience. When you have achieved confidence by your own effort, nothing can take it away again. No future defeat can quite destroy it. It may seem in moments of despair that it has gone, but the memory of past successes, however small, gives you the courage to try again, and so defeat is defeated.

So, recognize that:

• Confidence is born by going on despite defeat.
• In spite of ups and downs on the road to recovery, the main direction is upward.
• Confidence learned from your own experience will never leave you completely.